Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Gage's Birthday

Happy Birthday in Heaven to my little boy Gage.  I sure wish you were here and that we were celebrating your first birthday with cake and a little party today.  But I'm sure that a birthday party in Heaven is so much more special.  We miss you and your sister so very much and look forward to the day we see you again in Heaven.  I have to say, I believe that God's plan is perfect and good and that He makes good come from all things even when we can't see or understand it, but that sure doesn't help me miss you any less.  This afternoon we will send some birthday balloons up with Gramma.

We love you!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Morgan's 3rd Birthday

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted here.  I know there have been a couple half finished posts that I just gave up on, the words just never sound right.  **shrug** And I've become enamored with crafting and craft blogs so plenty of my online time is taken up with reading craft blogs (I even started one- not that I've posted much there either- I'm just not a good blogger I guess) and browsing Pinterest.  But in honor and memory of Morgan's birthday here I am.  Missing her, looking forward to the day I meet her again in Heaven.  We sure didn't get to do anything in memory of her today.  My grandma has luekemia and while she seemed to be doing well for the past few months, we found out on Monday it was back.  So Hunter & I spent the week up north with her and Chris met us up there on Friday.  So today was a day of saying goodbye and traveling.  So we didn't even get to do anything in her memory- though I think spending all the time I can with my Nana was the best course of action and I don't regret it- I'm still sad we didn't do anything special for her.  And to make matters worse I feel like she has been totally forgotten.  Only one person in our family called to say they were thinking of us today.  And I was with a lot of my family all day and still none of them acknowledged that today was her birthday.  :(  It hurts to think we are the only ones who remember her.  But at least we know she's safe in Jesus' arms.  Look forward to the day I join her there!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Believer's Baptism

Sunday I participated in my church's Believer's Baptism at the Lake event.  And yes I was baptized.  And yes I was baptized as an infant (and yes I have allowed Hunter and Gage both to be baptized as infants) but despite those things, once I learned about it- Believer's Baptism makes a whole lot more sense (to me) and (to me) seems to be  accurate compared to what the Bible says about baptism.  I grew up knowing who Jesus was and that he died on a cross for my sins.  But it was a purely intellectual thing.  I never got (whether I never was taught or whether I just didn't get it I really can't say) that it was about a relationship with Jesus....  I never got that it was more than just obligations- ie attending church, not ever sinning, giving money to the church, praying etc...I never got that it is having Jesus in your heart and wanting to do those things and so much more...  I made a lot of bad decisions in my life as a teenager/young adult- I was to a point in my life (by  my mid twenties) in which I felt completely unworthy.  I felt that based on the decisions I made and the way I lived my life God didn't want me in church... and surely didn't want me in Heaven and He sure didn't love me.  In fact He had to be quite angry with me and all my wrong choices. And church well church was surely a place of judgment for the sins I'd committed.  Where people would reject me because of the things I'd done or not done...  Then Chris and I started having major relationship problems (this was pre-marriage in our dating days) and a friend connected me very briefly with a pastor who said "To move closer to each other you've got to move closer to God."  I did nothing about this statement other than repeat it to Chris- we briefly talked about going to church together, but did nothing about it.  Several months later we broke up.  One day he mentioned going to church and when I asked him why he said he needed direction.  With those words ringing in my ears and the pastors words coming back to me I felt a tug at my heart and after so many days, months, years of driving past Fox River Christian Church I went.  I was awed (had never even fathomed church like that).  I kept going.  A friend at work, she helped and encouraged me as my faith, my real faith- not my "I can believe in God and not go to church kind of faith"- as it started to grow.  It was Easter season and the clips played in service of The Passion of the Christ movie stirred me to watch it myself.  I cried as I saw the depiction of what Jesus did for me.  If I had to pick a day that I really accepted Jesus (though I think it was sort of a gradual thing over those first weeks at FRCC) it would be Good Friday 2008.  I was an emotional wreck during that service, crying and really just opening my heart to a relationship with Jesus.  Life did not suddenly become as sweet as a big bowl of ice cream.  There have been good things and bad things and really hard things.  And I did not suddenly become sin free or bad decision making free either.  And I have had my days and weeks and probably months where I've not done much to grow in my relationship with Jesus but just "floated".  I could go on for hours about all the things I don't do perfectly.  But I love God and I've accepted Jesus and I after over 3 years of knowing a relationship, after 2 years of feeling called to do Believer's Baptism and putting it off (first because of bed rest, then a newborn, then a desire to do it at the annual lake event which I couldn't attend in 2010) I have taken what felt like a huge step to me (there is a video testimony involved that made my stomach knot with nerves) and I was baptized- to show that I am a follower of Jesus. 

(PS I sure wish I would've said those things half as well in my video testimony as I did right now)

(PPS I also sure wish I had pictures but we forgot the camera :( )

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

6 months

Last Tuesday marked Gage's 6 month birthday.  Tomorrow marks 6 months since he died.  Tonight is 6 months since the first time I got to hold him outside of his isolette....  They were changing out his isolette and giving him a new one (for cleanliness purposes) and it had been pushed off a couple days past when they usually do it (once a week and it was day 9 of life for him) in part to make sure he was doing well enough to be disturbed that much and in part to see if we could do it when Chris and I were both around to hold him during the switch.  It was Chris' first night back to work since Gage had been born, but he was okay with just me being there as he really wanted Gage to have a "clean" bed.  (they did change the bedding everyday- no worries there!).  I was so excited to hold him close(r) to me- granted I couldn't snuggle him up as much as I wanted to because of his respirator and all that but at least I got to give him a kiss too.  I remember the respiratory therapists' friendly bantering and just finally getting to hold him outside the isolette.  It made me long that much more for some skin to skin snuggling (aka kangaroo care) that I hoped to soon be able to have with him.  It was also my first night staying up at the hospital without Chris since Gage had been born.  I was up late and just spent a lot of time just sitting with Gage.  I'm so happy and grateful that we were able to board at the hospital for a week.  We only spent one night not under the same roof as him while he was living. It was such a great gift to be able to walk down the hall at whatever time of the day or night I wanted and just sit with him for a few minutes. 

What would a 6 month old (3 month adjusted age) be doing right now???  I can't even fathom what life would be like with him here.  And for the most part, I try not to.  I have moments when it's intense- like when I saw the mom from our playgroup who was due near me and has a 3.5 month old and a 19 month old on the 4th of July.  Two little boys riding in a double stroller.   And it was like my heart skipped a couple beats and even while I smiled and chatted for a moment in my mind there was this whisper of- that was almost us too.  But it's not and no amount of wishing will make it be, so it's easier to try not to think about what we thought would be. 

God has a plan and it's perfect- even when I don't think it is.  He brings beauty out of the sorrows and through all things He is always there.  It's often I need to be reminded of those things because some days it's hard not to feel left behind... most of my playgroup is expecting or has had a second baby this year... most of my church friends from our first ever small group are expecting this year as well.  But this time around (as compared to with Morgan) I find myself much less "sad for myself" about others pregnancies.  I'm so not perfect so I can't say that I don't get a little down at times that I'm no longer "part of the club" so to speak but after Morgan died I could hardly stand to be around anyone pregnant- including my sister in law.  And I do long to be pregnant again, to bring home another baby but of course that's not likely in the near future.  Nor is adopting.  And most the time I'm okay with that because the time will do us good.  After Morgan died I pushed and pushed and cried and begged and made plans to get pregnant as soon as possible.  It was one of my sole focuses.  But now even though I long and want another child I can still hold Hunter in my arms and enjoy our time with him instead of concentrating on another sub pregnancy.  Not that I'd complain if God's plan included another pregnancy (and if it happened right now it would really have to be in His plan!)- it's just not my sole focus.

Point of all the babbling tonight is... I miss Gage.  The last 6 months feel like a lifetime.  I look longingly forward to the day when I can see Gage and Morgan again in Heaven and hold them in my arms.  And the book I posted about in my last post- Heaven Is For Real- well it gives me even more hope and longing. 

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Book to read...

...  Heaven is for Real....   I might be a little behind cuz I think it's been out for awhile, but my sweet friend who is on bed rest right now (and 31 weeks praise God!) gave it to me last week and I couldn't put it down.   Seriously if you haven't read it already read it.  Be prepared for some tears though.  

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

5 months gone & a prayer request

It's been 5 months since I held Gage in my arms and said goodbye.  I hate that the only time I got to really hold him close to me was while we were saying goodbye.   It still feels very dream-like.... as if he was only in my imagination.  I still can't figure that out.  It sure didn't feel dream like when Morgan died.  Boy I miss him.... them...

I'd like to request all you blog world friends to pray about something completely unrelated to Gage or Morgan...  My sister in law and brother in law are really struggling in their marriage these days.  To be honest- they've been struggling for awhile.  One positive thing is they've been attending a new church.  It's my hope that they both benefit from this new church and develop a strong relationship with Jesus which will in turn help them so much (well at least I think it will) in overcoming their relationship struggles.  In addition I'm praying (and hoping you all can add this request too) that our family would become more compassionate/supportive of them.  Right now there seems to be way more frustrations coming from everyone about it than compassion.  Some of the family is "tired" of having family gatherings "ruined" by the "drama" their tensions bring.  It's hard for me to see this/hear this. I know I'm so not perfect and that I get frustrated with some of the family drama too but it just hurts to see them going through this and then having to feel as though they "ruining" things.  I can only imagine that they are both hurting so much, for I know how I feel when Chris and I have pretty minor conflicts/fights and it just sucks... but to think of how I would feel if most of my days were that way... **sigh**   Thanks to anyone who can help pray for them. 

Friday, May 20, 2011

What's happening these days....

I've been a terrible blogger.  For the most part I've stopped even attempting to write any posts because I get halfway done and go "ugh this is not how it sounded in my head..."   So let's see if I can at least write an update post that I'll be satisfied with!

Our Hunter is almost 17.5 months old- how time flies.  He is into everything, running, becoming very independent and is just the love of our lives even though some days he just exhausts me.  Here is a recent picture of our little piranha monkey... (He's a biter- makes me crazy! And I've tried pretty much everything... but he's still doing it especially when in a confrontation, so if anyone has any thoughts on it- please feel free to comment and let me know!)
Hunter helping Grandma at her greenhouse.
 Today is 2.5 years since we met and said goodbye to Morgan.  Honestly I can't believe how long ago it was.  On the other hand it's not even been 5 months since Gage was born and spent his 10 days with us but it seems like so long ago.  How does that make any sense???  We are doing okay.  We miss them.  We walked the March for Babies again this year and between all our team members and a spaghetti dinner fundraiser we were able to raise over $6000.00 to go to the March of Dimes.  I'm so happy we could do so much in there memory.    Here are a couple family pictures from the day of the walk.

 April 1st was the 2 year anniversary of Morgan's due date and April 8th was Gage's due date so we just did one balloon release on Gage's due date.  We went to a beach on Lake Michigan and I even wrote their names in the sand.

Let's see, what else is going on....  I have a part time job now.  I had been occasionally looking online for something part time because even though we were making it work, it's been really tight for us- especially after emptying our savings (which wasn't very big to begin with) because of Chris being off for a couple of unpaid weeks and paying for Gage's service.  Then we started applying the principles from our Financial Peace Class and it really highlighted how tight it was.  So even though I would look and then cry because I didn't want to go back to work and leave Hunter, two days before my birthday I found an ad for a M-F job, 10-3 that came with a few benefits like vacation.  I sent in a resume and got contacted right away, interviewed the Monday after Easter and was offered the position on Tuesday.  And so far I love it! I'm a Marketing Clerk which basically means I do a lot of odds and ends stuff but I'm never bored and the people are great.  Hunter for the summer is home with Chris (he adjusted his work schedule) and in fall when Chris starts taking some college courses we will have to find childcare for about 10-15 hours a week and so far I think we have two - three possibilities from church. 

I was able to go to a women's retreat last weekend with my sister in law's church.  It was awesome.  It was my first women's retreat and it was amazing.  It was exciting to spend a whole day (plus a few hours- it was only one night) all about Jesus!  I can't wait for my church's retreat next year!

Well that is pretty much all the new stuff for us right now.  And I think I have a little boy who might be waking up from his nap so we can go grocery shopping....

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Quick Prayer Request

So I totally have to find time to write a good long update post but for right now I just have time to ask for a quick prayer request for some good friends from church...  They are currently about 26.5 weeks pregnant and have been in the hospital since Thursday because she has been contracting.  At first they weren't changing her cervix but some strong ones last night now have her dilating a bit.  They have put her on a med to try to stop the contractions but while we were leaving from visiting her tonight she was having a few again- only 3 hours after her most recent dose of the medication.  They are at the same hospital where we delivered our babies.  I'm hoping that God's will might include at least a few more weeks for their little boy to grow bigger and that it's His will they never have to know the pain we (and many of you readers) have had to go through by saying good bye.  I want them to be the "happy ending" the "things were scary but it all worked out and here is our little miracle" story.  But of course in the end only He knows and I know that He works for the good- even in the bad times.  But still I pray He allows this little one to stay on earth with his parents and become Hunter's little friend and such.  But I'm also requesting prayers for strength and patience and comfort through whatever may come for them- especially (and hopefully!)  if it turns into a long bed rest (which they would welcome happily to keep baby growing as long as possible). 

Thank you blog world friends. 

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Unfinished Posts

I can't seem to find the right words these days to write about anything.  In the past three months there are nearly a dozen posts that I've started and not finished.  But it feels worse over the past couple weeks.
I couldn't finish a post on how Hunter swallowing a penny got us stay at Children's Hospital, the hospital where Gage died and how the whole experience sent me into a huge emotional upheaval. (Hunter is doing fine, don't worry.)

I couldn't finish a post on how I'm feeling about April these days- specifically this first week of April.

I couldn't put into words how I felt on April 1st- the 2nd anniversary of Morgan's due date.

I can't really find the words tonight to write much about Gage's due date tomorrow... Sad... that about sums it up. 

Missing this little boy.  Sad he's not being born now.  Equally sad that since he was already born 3 months ago I'm not bringing him home from the NICU now. 

I believe wholeheartedly that he is safe in Heaven with Jesus (playing with his sister and many friends) and that Heaven is a much better place to be than here on earth.  But yet I still want him here in my arms. 

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Meeting my 6 day old niece tonight...

I'm very excited to be going to meet my new niece tonight.  I'm so incredibly happy for my brother and his girlfriend.  Just from Facebook and phone communication I can tell my brother is so in love with his daughter (as is his girlfriend of course).  He's such a proud happy daddy. 

I want to enjoy my niece and focus on her and her parents and their joy.  But I know it will be impossible not to miss my babies as I cradle the sweet weight of my newborn niece in my arms.  In my mind and heart 8 months ago, I imagined our new babies growing up very close in age.  Of course that isn't to be.  The last thing I want to do is make this visit sad- though I already warned my brother, my tears would not mean I'm not happy so hopefully they will understand a few tears if they come. 

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Sad today

I'm missing Gage a lot today.  I long to still be pregnant with him.  I long to be chatting animatedly with my pregnant friends instead of getting that "outsider" feeling as they talk of feeling nauseous and tired and uncomfortable.  I long to be happily and excitedly awaiting his arrival (this past Friday would've been 36 weeks).  To be washing the newborn clothes and getting excited instead of feeling sadness when I see pictures posted by one of my play group friends who just had her little boy a bit over a week ago.  She recently posted a picture of her (almost) 16 month old wearing the big brother shirt sitting next to the baby... with the caption: "I love my boys!"  I want that and the ache is really sharp today. 

Monday, March 7, 2011

Two months gone...

I would like to say it feels like just yesterday that Gage was born and did his NICU time before going home to Jesus but it doesn't feel like yesterday... or even two months ago.  It feels like it was a long time ago.   I miss him so much and it's still very rough on these anniversary days.  I'm just about a month from his estimated due date... I sure wish I was anticipating his arrival... But like I've said almost every post this grief is so different... so "accelerated" I guess.  Not that I don't have moments/days where I'm in "the pit" but I'm not there all the time.  I think it mostly has to do with the distraction (a wonderful one) of having Hunter around.  Can't really be in a grief pit too much with an active toddler. 

I've also been pretty busy outside of just being a stay at home mom... A Sunday night Financial Peace University class, a once a month study with our small group from last "semester" (our church offers small groups aka Journey classes and/or Journey groups on a schedule similar to college) and I've just joined a Friday morning Journey group (studying the book "The Frazzled Female").  In addition I recently (well over a month ago now) finally stopped procrastinating/just talking about serving at church and started doing- so now every other week I'm helping out in the nursery.  I've been attempting to plan a spaghetti dinner fundraiser for our March for Babies team... I though it was go but now there might be an issue with our location (and I already ordered tickets :( ) so if this location falls through I think we might not do it this year and start earlier in our planning next year.  What else is on my plate... figuring out the advertising for my mom's greenhouse and newly discovered love of paper crafting including scrap booking and card making.  Typing it all out makes me feel a little frazzled :). 

God is good though- especially to give me all these things to keep my spirits up- I'm sure our groups and just the connection with such loving people has helped me remain happy and positive even while I'm sad.  I don't know if that made a lot of sense but really that is how I feel most days.  The days that I'm not feeling that way I'm pretty downright crabby and hard for even Chris to be around... I have to work on that because it sure isn't right to inadvertantly take out my grief on him because it's his grief too. 

Well, I guess that's all I have to say tonight.  Now I'm going to put in a little time with my paper crafting before heading to bed.  :) 

Monday, February 21, 2011


I have never been a big fan of winter even though I've lived in Wisconsin all my life (and the northern part of it for most of my life).  But this year I think I'm definitely feeling the depressing effects of these winter months.  Especially as we get hit with another round of winter weather.  This time it's a bit wetter for us which leaves a big slushy icy mess out there.  **sigh** Wishing for spring in a big way right now... warm weather...the day the leaves just start opening on the trees...spring grass...trips to the zoo... and my favorite- flowers.... 

Monday, February 14, 2011

A Little Joy

So I started this new blog so I had a place where I felt more comfortable posting about everything in my life (that I wish to blog about that is!)... my previous blog as you might know was started when Morgan died and I was in the absolute pit of sadness....  hence a name like Empty Arms Broken Heart.  So late 2010 I decided my blogging needed a fresh start, a fresh place to talk about the happy and the sad.  Then of course we got right back to some new sad much too soon on this new blog.  But even in the middle of that sadness there is JOY.  And I thought I'd share some of it!

Our Getaway after Gage's Memorial Service

The day after Gage's memorial service Chris, Hunter and I headed out of town for a few days.  We had spent over a week without Hunter (who was staying with my Mom up north) and we just needed to get away from everything as well as spend some good quality time with him.  We went to Dubuque, Iowa.  Reasons for picking Dubuque-  1.the Mississippi River Museum and Aquarium 2. less than 3 hour drive 3. relatively inexpensive to stay there.  So the first few pictures are from that trip.

Snacking in the hotel room- first time we let him handle the spoon on his own. Hotel room= we don't have to clean up the mess... just kidding- we would've but he did pretty well, the mess was contained to his face.

Petting the... fish??  :)  Looks like it doesn't it? 

Two of my boys and an octopus...  

This might have been Hunter's favorite thing to do the whole trip...   crawl in and out of the hotel room's nightstand... 
And a few random pictures from month 13 of Hunter's life...

Mama just let me get outside already!

The great blizzard of 2011...  Daddy got a snow day from work and Hunter got a few face washes but loved every minute!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011


 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” 
Psalm 46:10

(all emphasis placed by me)

The above verses are on my heart today.  I've been feeling very overwhelmed with all the things/decisions/thoughts that I (we) have going on right now.  Bordering on anxious... and feeling impatient for answers.  I need these verses today and everyday (especially the parts I've bolded) to remind me to place it all in God's hands and to wait (patiently).  I've been praying everyday about the direction we are meant to go with some things now that Gage is gone. Things regarding me continuing to stay home or work, Chris or I starting/restarting college courses this fall, how/when to grow our family and several other things that have been heavy on my mind and heart... All these things feel so big and huge trying to figure them out and every time Chris and I try to talk about some of them all we do is argue.  Which makes it all the more overwhelming and frustrating.  But while I've been praying on them I don't think I've been giving them completely over to God.  Something I really need to work on. 

Saturday, February 5, 2011


This question will never be fully answered here on earth and as one of my friends (who also has babies in heaven) said once- when we join our babies in heaven will the why even matter anymore?   But tonight I can't help but wonder why.  I've been missing Gage so much.  As evidenced by my posting the other night, I'm drawn to reading the comments/looking at the belly pics of my pregnant friends and it just makes me long so much for Gage... for Morgan... and for being pregnant.  Our plan doesn't involve anymore pregnancies.  Oh how I wish it did... wish it could... (obviously God's plan might be different but unless that becomes evident down the road this is the decision we've made...)

Tonight as I sat down to turn off the computer (which usually doesn't happen without looking at something(s)- email, Facebook, MISS, blog world etc) I took a few minutes to just look at my pictures of Gage.  And I wished for more pictures.  When Morgan died, we didn't get a lot of pictures especially not with us.  Even knowing the things I wished for when Morgan died (like more pictures of us with her, pictures of me pregnant etc) I still don't feel like I took enough.  I so often didn't have my camera with me when I went to the NICU.  I wish I would've taken pictures of us holding Gage in our hands when they changed his bedding or weighed him or changed diapers.  I wish I would've had pictures of him with our wedding rings.  I have a couple I tried to take with Chris' ring because I never had mine on.  I had taken it off when I went to the hospital knowing it was getting close to the point where I wouldn't be able to get it off and I never remembered to have it brought back up to the hospital when Gage was born.  I wish I had pictures of him in his one micro preemie outfit I bought him.  It arrived the day Gage died and my sister was going to bring it when she came to say goodbye but in the rush to get up there she forgot it.  It was so much cuter than the outfit the nurse took pictures of him in after we left the hospital.  And after looking at pictures of Gage I read through all my CaringBridge posts, lived those days over again. 

I'm not mad at God.  I know if I was He could handle that but I'm really not.  I'm just sad.  And I'm having a hard time dealing with this grief.  With Morgan I was outwardly mourning daily for a long time.  I cried all the time, I felt uncomfortable around everyone and rarely wanted to be around groups of people especially without Chris.  I could hardly look anyone in the face because I didn't want to show them the pain.  I hated being asked how are you and couldn't say good and had a hard time saying even okay.  I wasn't okay. 

I've learned though that I can be good/okay and still be sad.  But I don't know if everyone understands that.  I don't know if anyone really knows how sad I am.  I wonder if they think that I'm "over" it.  Especially the family and friends that knew what a wreck I was after Morgan died.  I'm so not over it (not that you ever get over it, I'm not "over" Morgan either).  I'm just as sad as when Morgan died.  I'm just dealing with it so much differently this time.  Part of that is being forced to deal with it differently- I have a wonderful toddler who I have to think of this time, who I have to take care of instead of staying in my pajamas and bathrobe on the couch for three days straight.  My faith and relationship with God is also deeper/closer.  Chris' is as well so together we've been stronger.  But it still hurts the same and sometimes I just don't know where to go with all the hurt.  I don't know how to let it out this time.  Sometimes like right now, I'm so sad and I just can't cry.  I just silently ache instead. And write rambling blog posts- the only voice I'm giving to this grief these days other than saying out loud to Chris that I'm sad.

I have to just place it all in His hands.  I wish that was enough to make it not hurt anymore.  I guess it just has to be enough that no matter how much it hurts, He's holding me. 

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Blissful Innocence

As previously mentioned I have a number of Facebook friends who are pregnant- and some of these have other Facebook friends who comment on their statuses (and weekly belly pics) who are also pregnant... Most of these ladies are blocked from my news feed but in true lack of self control (and wanting to make sure they are still doing okay) I now and then have to take a peek at what's going on.  So much pregnancy innocence...  (most of the time not in a bad way) and tonight's peek just made me long for that.  My last two pregnancies I spent the first trimester and good portions of the second trimester (with Hunter I did not "open up" about the pregnancy until I was on bed rest at 25 weeks) trying to avoid the subject of me being pregnant.  I distinctly remember when I was pregnant with Hunter having to go to a work meeting at our corporate office where nearly no one knew I was pregnant and doing my best to hide my 23 or 24 week pregnant belly.  Not being thin to begin with it was not easy but I managed to make it out of there without having to tell anyone or being asked any questions.  With Gage I think I relaxed a little and talked a bit more a little earlier since I had had one "successful" pregnancy.  My blissful innocence (only marred by my normal "worrying" tendencies rather than fully knowing what could happen) lasted a mere 21 weeks (less if you consider that I didn't find out until I was 5 weeks along and even then ended up with a few worrisome weeks of bleeding early on).  So let's say 14... I had 14 weeks of complaining about my all day sickness, wishing time would move faster so I could meet my baby, being "proud" of the size of my belly, worrying about weight gain, thinking that I would for sure be leaving the hospital with a baby, of not being afraid to tell anyone at all I was pregnant for fear of having to tell them the baby died... and the list goes on.

**sigh** Blissful innocence how I miss you.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Gage's 1 Month Birthday (and 3 weeks since he left us)

It's been a sad day.  I started off Gage's birthday with a trip to the hospital (to return the breast pump).  I managed not to bawl my eyes out but it was close.  As soon as I walked in the hospital I was tearing up and I had a hard time making myself get off the elevator on the third floor.  The steps into the birthing center to return the breast pump were really tough and I think if I would've seen one of our nurse or doctor friends I would have lost it.  But while there were familiar faces around, were none familiar enough to give me that push over the edge into bawling.  I did get to chat with "our social worker" for awhile and she made the walk down to the NICU with me to try to say hi to one of the NICU nurses who ended up not being available.  So I (sort of) visited Gage's "home" on his birthday which was sad, hard and nice all at once.

I also made some (sort of) decisions about my Usborne Books & More business I had started doing in October of last year.  My heart is not totally in it anymore (or maybe it's just not right now?) but I have two months left before I would have to start paying for my website and my ordering program.  Neither cost is huge but if I'm not going to do it it's not worth paying for.  Therefore even though I'm so not ready to go "back to work" in a sense- I'm going to make myself at least try to get some shows booked in February/March and see if I still want to continue it. 

So while I was thinking of the business  I decided since I have two months of the website still available that why not use it/ my Usborne Books business to help raise money in memory of my babies??  So I'm putting my profits from any sales made through a two month long eShow towards the March for Babies and entering all those who make a purchase into a drawing for a free book. I got pretty excited when I thought of that.  I don't know if I'll make much off the idea but our team goal is $2000 ($1000 in memory of each baby) and I'd love to raise more too- so any little bit I can put toward it will help. We've done a pretty good job of meeting/exceeding our goal for the March for Babies the past two years (due much to our family and friends who walk/raise money with us).  Now that we have another baby to remember/honor/miss (and one who allowed us time to know a little of what it's like to travel the NICU road too) we really want to do as much as we can to support the March of Dimes so maybe some other parents can benefit from the education provided/research done. 

So if anyone knows someone interested in buying some (awesome in my opinion) children's books the link is: Again all purchasers through this link will get entered into a raffle for a free book (which I can ship within the United States) and my profits will go towards our March for Babies team goal.

So while today was pretty sad, I feel better having "done" something in Gage's (and Morgan's) memory.   I think my 2 month birthday goal is going to be to bring some baked goods up to the NICU and OB nurses/staff in appreciation for everything they did for us.

Thursday, January 27, 2011


One of the hardest parts of having a baby early/having a baby die has got to be how it seems like everyone is pregnant.  **sigh**  Not that I'm not happy for them but they are everywhere!!!!  2 ladies from Hunter's playgroup, my brother's girlfriend and at least 4 other "facebook friends".  Not to mention the random people like when you go to the store and the person checking you out ends up being pregnant?!?  Again- totally totally happy for everyone, but I'm really missing being pregnant.  For one I "should" still be pregnant and for two it's seems pretty darn certain that I will not be pregnant again unless there is some major other plan on God's part.  I think I'm mourning that nearly as much as I'm mourning the death of Gage. 

Chris and I had agreed before Gage was born that it was likely our last pregnancy... and as much as it hurts to still go with that decision, I think it's the right one.  I struggle with some guilt about the fact that so many women are out there trying to get pregnant and yet we are going to take measures to not get pregnant again.  I really wish I could "gift" my getting pregnant ability to someone who needs it.  Cuz that certainly has never been my problem- I just can't seem to stay pregnant long enough to have more of my babies live than die.   

So it's the adoption track from here on out.  It'll be awhile- hopefully not super long- I want Hunter to have a sibling who isn't too much younger than him.  But we have some things to take care of first so it's looking like we won't even be starting the process for a yearish.  **sigh** And honestly we need that time to grieve.  I think we'll need more- or at least I will.  With Morgan I was able to "wallow" in the grief whenever I needed to which I think helped bring...peace? acceptence? I'm not sure what word I'm looking for, because it's not that I've ever stopped missing her and being sad she isn't here with us but it's grown less intense, the ache the grief the sadness is just a part of everyday, but not in a big huge way- it's just there and a part of me a missing part of our family. But now with Hunter around I sometimes have to try to put my grief on hold and of course it's not (always) an on demand thing like, oh now that Hunter is napping I will sit down and cry for an hour.  It just doesn't work like that.  So it seems like it sort of "builds" and then I have days like yesterday where everything made me cry.  We'll see how tomorrow goes... Gage's 1 month Birthday.  **sigh**  Wish I was celebrating it in the NICU... wish I was able to think to myself, "maybe this means we are 1/3 through the NICU time."  I wish wish wish... Uggh...

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Starting to "sink in"

I think the shock and numbness is really starting to wear off.  Not that I haven't grieved or missed Gage before this, but the tears are really starting to come more frequently now.  Which is really hard with an active little boy.  Not that I'd trade him for being able to sit and mope...

Yesterday I had to take Hunter to the doctor.  His pediatrician's office is in the same building as my OB office.  The last time I had been there (6 weeks ago yesterday as a matter of fact) I saw Gage via ultrasound.  It was also the day I was put on hospital bed rest.  6 weeks... such a short but yet long span of time.  6 weeks ago he was still "where he was supposed to be" growing and developing inside of me.  6 weeks ago we still had hope of a long life with him here on earth.  From the moment I knew I had to take Hunter in (by myself too as Chris was working) I was down about it.  And on the drive there I couldn't stop crying.  We live about 1.5 miles from the hospital Gage was at.  We could actually see almost to our house from the window Gage was by in the NICU.  So as I'm driving up that road I can also see the exact window he was by.  Stupid silly little things right?  Enough to start the tears though. 

I wish my mind didn't hop to all the anniversary days/dates so quickly.  Every Tuesday, every Friday and in two days we'll be coming up on our first monthly anniversary- 1 month since Gage was born.  Crazy to think if things had been different I would've been 30 weeks pregnant on Friday...or Gage would've been 1 month old.

Oh and that is likely the day I will have to go take my rental pump back to the hospital.  Again by myself since Hunter possibly has pinkeye and had a fever tonight so is likely coming down with something meaning we shouldn't be taking him out and about.  I know I could probably ask someone else to take it up there for me but part of me wants to go up there- just wish Chris could come with me.  I would feel much more comfortable walking down to the NICU to say hi if he was with me.  Without him I'll probably skip it unless I can meet up with our social worker.  (We call her "our" social worker- she she social worker who does the RTS bereavement program as well as the NICU stuff- and I'd like to think we've become friends with her over the years since Morgan was born).

Speaking of pumps- I weaned pretty quickly- which wasn't hard as I had not built up a good supply yet but now I'm totally regretting weaning.  I could've continued to pump and donate my milk (making arrangements to donate what I had already pumped at the hospital) which would've probably helped this baby weight come off.  It's so super frustrating/sad to be carrying around the extra weight knowing how hard it is going to be to get it off without nursing.  When I had Morgan I had only gained 10ish pounds then I gained another 10 in the 6 weeks I was off of work because we ate out a lot and I did a lot of baking and just hanging out on the couch.  I never did get any of it off before I got pregnant with Hunter- but after I had Hunter because I was nursing him I lost all of the weight I gained with him PLUS 10lbs before I became pregnant with Gage.  All without really trying.  I had no regular exercise plan and followed no special diet to lose the weight.  I'm very frustrated knowing how hard it's going to be to get rid of 20lbs from this pregnancy.  It's a really sad reminder that I had a baby but that baby isn't here

**sigh** I guess that's enough crying to my blog readers tonight.  Time for half an episode of One Tree Hill and a glass of chocolate wine before Chris gets home. 

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Missing Gage... I just want to rewind and spend those 10 days with him again.   *sigh*  There is so much emotion and aching but I just can't find the words to describe it all. 

This weeks message at church was very relevant, something I already knew and believed but it's always wonderful to be reminded of (and as always- amazing to have the current message series be so relevant to where I am now)...  God is with me even as I'm sad and hurting. 

Friday, January 21, 2011

Days go by...

Yesterday was 26 months since Morgan was born.
It was also 26 months since Morgan died.

If I was still pregnant today would've been 29 weeks gestation. 

If Gage was still alive he would've been 24 days old.

It's been 2 weeks since Gage died. 

Hunter is 13 months and 11 days old. 

Combined total of 84 weeks and 1 day of pregnancy (determined by ultrasound dating) during 3 pregnancies.

1 living child.

But it's not forever.  This sorrow is not forever- even though some days it feels that way.  I know from Morgan that over time the pain gets less intense.  And I know because of Morgan that the Lord will do good things with Gage's short life.  He will bring new people into our lives (and already has), friendships we have will get closer  and my one greatest hope, wish, dream and prayer is that maybe somehow through Gage's life and death at least 1 person will come to know Jesus and accept Him into their life.  I couldn't do this without Him.    

Sunday, January 16, 2011


I apologize in advance if this post is all over the place- there is so much going through my mind and my heart that I think this post will go everywhere in no particular order....

We've definitely been so wrapped in love from our friends and family during the past few weeks it has been a true blessing.  When Morgan died I felt pretty isolated.  Not that we didn't have friends and family supporting us then, but we didn't have the church family we have now and even more importantly we didn't have friends who "got" what it is like to have a baby/child die.  Instead we met people who got it after.  To now be surrounded (a lot virtually!) immediately by those who have traveled the road of saying goodbye to a baby is comforting (even though we certainly wish no one had to experience outliving their children).

This grief over saying goodbye (at least for now) to Gage is so very different than with Morgan (not less, just different).  I feel incredibly numb most the time though each day it "sinks in" a little more.  It feels so much like a dream.  Not just the part where Gage died, but even his 10 days here feel like I dreamed them.  Even my pregnancy feels like a dream.  But then there are these moments where it's all so real- where it's hard to catch my breath because it's all so much- there is no baby kicking away inside me, there are no trips to the hospital to see Gage in the NICU, there is no more Gage here on this earth. 

It's also harder to grieve when those moments do come.  Hunter is a wonderful distraction (that we thank God for each day) who certainly guarantees I can't stay in bed all day and cry- but it also becomes hard to have a good cry when I really need to. A hard balance.

I feel like I could write so much more about how I feel, but at the same time there isn't much else to say.  I'm sad.  So sad that Gage couldn't stay here with us.  But I'm thankful that he is healed and whole in Heaven playing with his big sister and many friends.  I look forward to seeing how God will use this brokenness in our lives for His good.  I'm praying for direction on how we should go forward, what we can do to use Gage's short life and our sadness for His good.  But I'm still sad.  I still wish things could be different. 

It's been in both of our hearts to adopt- whether Gage was able to stay on earth with us or not so we are also praying about that.  It's too soon for us to take many steps toward it right now and honestly on the financial side of adoption it looks like an impossible leap at the moment, but sometime in the relatively near future we hope to be able to start the process- once we've allowed ourselves some time to grieve.

And another prayer I have is for the grace to continue to hear my brother's girlfriend complain about her "miserable" pregnancy!  It is so not my place at all to "begrudge" anyone their own individual emotions regarding anything let alone pregnancy.  But it certainly makes me miserable to read of how "pregnancy sucks" and she's had "one crappy symptom after another" when I would gladly take on all the nausea, swelling issues, heartburn etc to be still pregnant.  I've debated "defriending" her on facebook (because blocking her from my news feed does not stop the twisted curiosity that leads me to now and then check out her page) , but don't want to create a rift.  **sigh**  The joys of a social networking site (as Chris would say).

Well, as Hunter has decided that 6:30am is a good time to get up this Mama ought to go to bed.  The days can be long right now so all the sleep I can get is probably a good thing. 

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Thank you

Just wanted to say thank you so much to all those who've extended their sympathies, prayers and comfort to us during this tough time.  The love we've been wrapped in from family, friends and kind strangers here in blog land has truly helped make a very hard sad time for us a little bit easy.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Going to spend a few days away with Hunter, no computer coming along, so don't be alarmed at any lack of posts for the next little while.

Monday, January 10, 2011

The rest of Gage's story...

Finally after nearly an hour of sitting in the waiting room at Children's Hospital we were brought back to see our little guy.  As soon as we were back by him and the staff was talking to us I relaxed a bit regarding the switching of hospitals.  Everyone was forthcoming with information and just as nice as our previous staff (though I will always be partial to our original hospital and staff).  Some surgery staff came in almost right away to talk to us.  They told us Gage was a very sick little boy.  We could see that his stomach was very swollen and bruised looking and they quickly wiped away my previous understanding of "air being in the abdomen" and replaced it with the fact that there was a tear in his intestines, and the contents of his bowel was basically what was now in his abdominal cavity.  Because of this his little body was already fighting major infection.  The surgeon was debating on whether to insert a tube to drain his abdomen or open him up to see how bad the damage was to his bowel. There were a couple of possibilities- either the medication he was getting for his heart had caused a small tear or he had NEC which could mean some to all of his bowel was "dead."  If it was all dead there would be nothing they could do.  After explaining this all to us, the surgical team left to decide on which course to take.  Upon coming back they informed us they decided to do the full surgery and see what was going on. If he survived the surgery he was still going to be really sick for quite some time.

Once the OR was ready they took Gage back.  Over the course of the next couple of hours one of the staff called out a couple of times to update us that they were still working on trying to get a central line in.  Around 8pm Chris and I were getting settled into a parents sleep room and I went to go grab our stuff out of the locker in Gage's pod when the neonatal fellow found me and said he wanted to talk.  I went upstairs and got Chris.  I knew it couldn't be good news since we hadn't even been notified that they had started surgery yet.

They took us into a little conference room and started telling us about what was going on.  They couldn't get a central line in Gage.  While they were trying his abdomen showed signs of internal bleeding and they ended up opening him up to see what was going on.  In opening him up the discovered while his bowel looked very very sick it wasn't dead and there was a small tear in the intestine.  But his blood was so thin they couldn't get him to stop bleeding internally and they couldn't give him enough blood to keep up with what he was losing.  They felt strongly that they would be doing more harm than good to continue.  Chris and I made the hardest decision to say goodbye and stop his suffering.

They kept him comfortable while we notified family in the area so they could come say goodbye to our little fighter.  Once the family had said goodbye and left we were able to hold him and say our goodbyes as he went home to Jesus.

It's taken me all these days to be able to even write the rest of his story here.  I think this is the only place I'm writing the end of his story here.  Although I don't really think it's the "end" as I hope good things will come of his short life.  There are so many emotions and so many posts I've almost started but right now I just can't put into words how I feel.  One day soon I hope I can be ready to write about how I'm feeling. 

Friday, January 7, 2011

One Step Forward...

And two steps back.  We were of course told to expect it to be like that.  Following the heels of the good day yesterday- good head ultrasound news, Mama getting to hold AND kiss Gage while they changed out his isolette, the removal of the belly button line and placement of the central line which meant he got some tummy time- comes the setback that there seems to be a tear in his intestines that is leaking air into his abdomen.  So now he has been transferred to Children's Hospital.  While this is most definitely where he needs to be due to his condition (they don't do any surgeries at our hospital even though the rest of the care is equal to this hospital) I'm not only sad and scared about his newest medical problem- but am also so sad to be leaving our hospital and all the staff. 

I had such a "feel sorry for myself" moment in the car on the way here- thinking about how we went from "celebrating" Morgan's 2nd birthday without her to being put on bed rest at home, three weeks later heading to the hospital for bed rest, two weeks later delivering Gage so prematurely, having two "honeymoon" days in which Gage was doing SO well for a 25.5 weeker, to the news of the head bleeds and now to having the intestinal tear/air in the abdomen and being transferred to another hospital.  Man just writing about it makes me overwhelmed and about to start blubbering.  It's the first time in the past 6+ weeks of all this that I've really thought, "Why can't we have a break God?"  I hate feeling sorry for myself/us- it doesn't do me or Gage or my husband or anyone any good. 

So overwhelmed right now. 

Thursday, January 6, 2011


I know that the road ahead is still very long and there is still such a potential for changes.  But I have to say today's ultrasound looking okay and having the doctor be so optimistic about Gage's potential despite the brain bleeds is a huge weight off of my shoulders and off of my heart.  Again, I know it could change in a second but I have to celebrate the good as it comes.

So thankful to God for the good news.  Praying for the good news to continue- with his heart, with his stomach, with his lungs... but of course... His will be done. 

Now to get back to my little boy for awhile before dinner. 

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

One week old Part 2

One week old @ 9:35 on Tuesday 1/4/11

One week old @ 9:35 on Tuesday 1/4/11  

 Chris and I made sure we were sitting with Gage tonight when he officially turned one week old and I took the above pictures at exactly 9:35pm tonight. 

So the NNP that was there for Gage's delivery (and who was the one we talked to when we went on bed rest with Hunter and then again 3 weeks ago with Gage about what a NICU stay could mean) talked to us a little more tonight about what is all going on with Gage (refer to caringbridge for all the details from earlier).  And when she was done she said something about how much stuff he had going on and how she was "surprised we were still standing."  And as we continued talking I could swear she was fighting tears...  How bad is it when the NNP is saying stuff like that?  **sigh**

One of my big prayers is that Gage's heart issue would correct itself enough to not need surgery, both so he doesn't have to have surgery and because it's quite possible that if he does need surgery he will have to move hospitals (dependent on if the surgeon's schedule allows him/her to come here) and I don't want to leave our hospital for a variety of reasons starting with how well we know the staff here, how wonderful all the nurses that take care of Gage are and how close it is to our house when we start staying at home.  Our NICU is a level three but they don't do surgeries here except the one he might possibly need, but again it depends on the surgeons schedule. 

One week old

In less than three hours Gage will be one week old.  Boy has it been one heck of a week. 

I posted and update on the CaringBridge site.  Gage has a lot of things going on right now... stomach, lungs, heart and of course the brain bleeds.  So much of it is "common" for such a premature baby, but boy it feels like he's bound and determined to have every "common" thing go wrong.  I'm probably not the first NICU mom to feel like that but some day's, like today when we found out about his heart, it's pretty overwhelming. 

I try to celebrate the good things that happen- but on days like today it doesn't seem like there is much positive going on.... well the fact that he's still with us is positive but if asked how he is doing I can't bring myself to say good.  Chris can, but I'm more of a- he's okay.  His oxygen levels keep dipping way down and now he's on a medication that could help his heart but could make other things worse.  How can I say he's doing "good."  He's hanging in there.  I'm thanking God for every minute we have with him.  I hope that someday the NICU will just be a memory and I'll be watching my two boys playing happily together.  But I know there isn't a guarantee and my mantra has just been, Thy will be done.  I just have to keep saying that to remind myself that it's so out of my hands and I just need to trust in God that one way or another Gage will get better- it just might not be here on earth.  Don't get me wrong- I still have such hope for him.  He seems to be a fighter and there is always hope, because all things are possible with God. 

On a separate topic- I'm so easily irritated and so irrationally emotional with some things it is crazy.  I'm easily irritated by people hanging around.  I know everyone just wants to be supportive, but when I'm going through something like this I dislike having people hover.  Always asking, "how are you" and such. I love that everyone wants to visit Gage, but I'd really like them to come see him for a little bit and then go home.  I don't need them sitting up here with us for hours.  I find myself getting easily irritated by well meant comments and questions.  Like my mother in law saying, "Oh he seems to recognize Chris' voice, do you think he recognizes yours?"  I'm his mother, he heard me talking everyday, every time I talked, yes I think he recognizes my voice.  Or both my mother in law and sister in law asking how much breast milk I'm pumping.  Or my mother in law asking "How is our baby today?"  He's MY baby- he's your GRAND baby but not YOUR baby! 

I also have not been able to bring myself to make a list of people who can go visit Gage without us having to be with.  I just can't do it.  As I confessed this very irrational emotion to Chris today (and he was very supportive of me even though he doesn't feel the same way) I realized part of my issue with it is that I don't want to hear things about what Gage does when we aren't there from anyone but his nurses.  I don't want someone to say, "oh his ___ kept dropping" or "they turned his oxygen up/down" or anything like that.  Or tell me that my son is doing good or not good.  I know the nurses won't give information out on him to others, but it's not hard to observe things like desats or when an RT or nurse turns up oxygen.  It's kind of like how I don't want anyone to tell me if Hunter is walking or saying real words- I'd rather think those first things are happening right in front of me for the first time.  I think another part of it is if something really bad happens, I don't want to have someone else there potentially witnessing his last heartbeat or breath or something like that if it happened really suddenly.  I guess I just feel very possessive of Gage.

**sigh**  I write all this with a heavy heart because I feel so ungrateful and like a mean terrible person.  I just had to get it out.  I was able to share how I felt with Chris today and he took it well.  It seems like I have a problem with his family only, but really that's just because my family isn't here.  If they were I would feel the same way about them hovering, although I think that my grandma would be the only one who would.  I've been trying to pray about it and tried to just remind myself to relax but so far I've not been able to shake any of the above feelings. 

So that's where I am on Gage's one week birthday.  Overwhelmed, scared, frustrated, irritable, tightly wound...  Just breath deeply and pray right? 

Sunday, January 2, 2011


Gage is doing pretty well today so Chris and I left the hospital for a couple of hours to go to church.  It never ceases to amaze me how some of the messages are just so relevant to my/our life and/or even sometimes how I'll be having a conversation with someone and then at church that week the message addresses the same or similar topics. It's just awe inspiring.  Today's message was the beginning of a series entitle "Broken" (linked to the video of the sermon) and it was just so relevant.  It made me think a lot about how I felt when Morgan died and how I changed and most importantly how her death motivated me to move closer to God.  I know I could've gone the other way easily- I could've reverted to the place I was a year earlier where I didn't give God much of a thought- unless I wanted something- then I said sort of a "gimme" type prayer.  Please give me this, please make this happen. Never praising/thanking Him for anything in my life at least not in a sincere type way.  Oh how easy it would've been to push God away when my baby girl died.  But thankfully I didn't.  Thankfully I met people (especially one amazing online friend almost right away) who inspired/helped me hold on to my newly found faith and desire to have/maintain/grow a relationship with God.  I highly recommend watching the video if you have around 45 minutes.  Especially if you might be struggling with faith or having a "crisis of faith" due to being broken by events in your life.  Obviously I can't guarantee you'll feel the same way I do having heard it, but I think it's worth a try.  I definitely came away from church today uplifted.  It's not necessarily the most uplifting message necessarily but it made me think of what I've already been through with losing Morgan and how her life/death and the paths I've taken because of them have given me more strength and more resources to be able to better deal with having Gage in the NICU. 

I was also uplifted by the support we received at church.  Our church is a big church.  When Morgan died, heck even a year ago, we went to church and went home.  Now and then Chris would see an old high school classmate or coworker and that was it.  Since having Hunter in the nursery, participating in some serving opportunities and joining our first small group we know people and those people are praying for us, for Gage and even asking others to pray for us.  Today the lady who is the director of the nursery program took time to introduce me and explain our situation to the lead Pastor who then prayed with me immediately, while at the same time one of the people who led our small group was across the room praying with Chris.  My heart was filled with joy upon leaving, just knowing that we now have a church family who cares about us. 

On the Gage side of things I'm excited to say I got to hold him briefly- well hold him up in my hands- while they changed his blankets today AND I got to change his tiny little diaper AND he got his first feeding of my breast milk today.  It was just 1cc and of course it went into a tube straight down into his stomach- no tasting, but he was sucking/chewing at the time it was going down which was cute.  His nurse got a beautiful picture of his open eyes- unfortunately I can't post it until I'm home with enough time to scan it since the just print them out for us. 

On the Hunter side of things he left with Gramma (my mom) today.  He'll be staying with her (5.5 hours away!!!) for a week at least.  If things are going really well for Gage I will meet up with my mom early next week to bring him home.  If Gage isn't doing well then he may stay for a up to two weeks.  Even though I've been in the hospital for two weeks and not seeing much of him, it's still weird that he is gone and I won't even get to see him for the hour a day I was getting to.  It will be good for him to have some consistancy though.  He won't be shuffled here and there- Gramma mostly stays home so they'll play and eat meals at the samish time each day and have regular naps and etc.  So even though we'll miss him it'll be nicer for him then getting dragged to the hospital or different people watching him every day.  Still it was hard to let him go.

Well, time to grab some dinner and then go in by Gage again.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Gage's Updates

I created a CaringBridge website for Gage so there is one central location for updates.  I will most likely still post here about Gage, but for the most part the main updates will be consistently found (well, hopefully consistent...) at this website so I don't have to post updates on the blog, facebook, MISS, email etc.  My posts here will probably be more about how I'm feeling with everything.

New Year's Day

We had Gage baptized yesterday.  Chris was raised Catholic and even though I think we both would consider our non denominational church our "main church" the one thing he can't quite "get past" is infant baptism.  So when it came time to make the decision about our children and baptism, we compromised and decided we would go to both a Catholic church and our non denominational church.  So yesterday evening the priest from our Catholic church came and baptized Gage.  We were allowed to break the visitor rule and most of Chris' family got to be there.  His older brother and sister in law didn't get to be there because we didn't know we would get to have so many people in with us and they took Hunter for the night. 

This morning brought with it some good news, some hope in the fact that after yesterday's blood transfusion Gage's blood count is up.  While this doesn't tell us anything for sure, it's a good sign in the right direction of the brain bleeding stopping.  His nurse today said he's scheduled for another ultrasound of his head on Monday.  The doc had said Friday, so I'm not sure which it is going to be.  In other Gage news they suctioned out a lot of gunk from his vent tube this morning.  He was pretty "congested."  Also his sodium is down so he'll be getting some sodium today as well.

This is not my favorite start to a New Year- my youngest son in the NICU, my oldest son being away from us for yet another night and more to come.  My mom is coming down to meet Gage now and will be taking Hunter home with her for a week or so.  Chris and I were able to stay in one of the NICU boarding rooms last night and hope to be able to stay another couple of nights at least, but since we really aren't that far from the hospital if they need the room for someone else we will of course go home.  It's nice to be staying up here so we can come and go easily and quickly.  If we need to lay down or what not we can.  And I can easily pump as they even provide a pump.  We can pop in and sit with Gage for a few minutes at a time if need be, and even in the middle of the night if we are up. 

Chris and I went and got some dinner last night and were talking about the why.  I don't know if we'll know why here on earth, but I truly believe no matter what, that God will use this experience in our lives for His good.  It might be hard to see, especially if/when the news is not good news, but I continue to believe God is good no matter what.