Last Tuesday marked Gage's 6 month birthday. Tomorrow marks 6 months since he died. Tonight is 6 months since the first time I got to hold him outside of his isolette.... They were changing out his isolette and giving him a new one (for cleanliness purposes) and it had been pushed off a couple days past when they usually do it (once a week and it was day 9 of life for him) in part to make sure he was doing well enough to be disturbed that much and in part to see if we could do it when Chris and I were both around to hold him during the switch. It was Chris' first night back to work since Gage had been born, but he was okay with just me being there as he really wanted Gage to have a "clean" bed. (they did change the bedding everyday- no worries there!). I was so excited to hold him close(r) to me- granted I couldn't snuggle him up as much as I wanted to because of his respirator and all that but at least I got to give him a kiss too. I remember the respiratory therapists' friendly bantering and just finally getting to hold him outside the isolette. It made me long that much more for some skin to skin snuggling (aka kangaroo care) that I hoped to soon be able to have with him. It was also my first night staying up at the hospital without Chris since Gage had been born. I was up late and just spent a lot of time just sitting with Gage. I'm so happy and grateful that we were able to board at the hospital for a week. We only spent one night not under the same roof as him while he was living. It was such a great gift to be able to walk down the hall at whatever time of the day or night I wanted and just sit with him for a few minutes.
What would a 6 month old (3 month adjusted age) be doing right now??? I can't even fathom what life would be like with him here. And for the most part, I try not to. I have moments when it's intense- like when I saw the mom from our playgroup who was due near me and has a 3.5 month old and a 19 month old on the 4th of July. Two little boys riding in a double stroller. And it was like my heart skipped a couple beats and even while I smiled and chatted for a moment in my mind there was this whisper of- that was almost us too. But it's not and no amount of wishing will make it be, so it's easier to try not to think about what we thought would be.
God has a plan and it's perfect- even when I don't think it is. He brings beauty out of the sorrows and through all things He is always there. It's often I need to be reminded of those things because some days it's hard not to feel left behind... most of my playgroup is expecting or has had a second baby this year... most of my church friends from our first ever small group are expecting this year as well. But this time around (as compared to with Morgan) I find myself much less "sad for myself" about others pregnancies. I'm so not perfect so I can't say that I don't get a little down at times that I'm no longer "part of the club" so to speak but after Morgan died I could hardly stand to be around anyone pregnant- including my sister in law. And I do long to be pregnant again, to bring home another baby but of course that's not likely in the near future. Nor is adopting. And most the time I'm okay with that because the time will do us good. After Morgan died I pushed and pushed and cried and begged and made plans to get pregnant as soon as possible. It was one of my sole focuses. But now even though I long and want another child I can still hold Hunter in my arms and enjoy our time with him instead of concentrating on another sub pregnancy. Not that I'd complain if God's plan included another pregnancy (and if it happened right now it would really have to be in His plan!)- it's just not my sole focus.
Point of all the babbling tonight is... I miss Gage. The last 6 months feel like a lifetime. I look longingly forward to the day when I can see Gage and Morgan again in Heaven and hold them in my arms. And the book I posted about in my last post- Heaven Is For Real- well it gives me even more hope and longing.