Thursday, March 24, 2011

Meeting my 6 day old niece tonight...

I'm very excited to be going to meet my new niece tonight.  I'm so incredibly happy for my brother and his girlfriend.  Just from Facebook and phone communication I can tell my brother is so in love with his daughter (as is his girlfriend of course).  He's such a proud happy daddy. 

I want to enjoy my niece and focus on her and her parents and their joy.  But I know it will be impossible not to miss my babies as I cradle the sweet weight of my newborn niece in my arms.  In my mind and heart 8 months ago, I imagined our new babies growing up very close in age.  Of course that isn't to be.  The last thing I want to do is make this visit sad- though I already warned my brother, my tears would not mean I'm not happy so hopefully they will understand a few tears if they come. 

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Sad today

I'm missing Gage a lot today.  I long to still be pregnant with him.  I long to be chatting animatedly with my pregnant friends instead of getting that "outsider" feeling as they talk of feeling nauseous and tired and uncomfortable.  I long to be happily and excitedly awaiting his arrival (this past Friday would've been 36 weeks).  To be washing the newborn clothes and getting excited instead of feeling sadness when I see pictures posted by one of my play group friends who just had her little boy a bit over a week ago.  She recently posted a picture of her (almost) 16 month old wearing the big brother shirt sitting next to the baby... with the caption: "I love my boys!"  I want that and the ache is really sharp today. 

Monday, March 7, 2011

Two months gone...

I would like to say it feels like just yesterday that Gage was born and did his NICU time before going home to Jesus but it doesn't feel like yesterday... or even two months ago.  It feels like it was a long time ago.   I miss him so much and it's still very rough on these anniversary days.  I'm just about a month from his estimated due date... I sure wish I was anticipating his arrival... But like I've said almost every post this grief is so different... so "accelerated" I guess.  Not that I don't have moments/days where I'm in "the pit" but I'm not there all the time.  I think it mostly has to do with the distraction (a wonderful one) of having Hunter around.  Can't really be in a grief pit too much with an active toddler. 

I've also been pretty busy outside of just being a stay at home mom... A Sunday night Financial Peace University class, a once a month study with our small group from last "semester" (our church offers small groups aka Journey classes and/or Journey groups on a schedule similar to college) and I've just joined a Friday morning Journey group (studying the book "The Frazzled Female").  In addition I recently (well over a month ago now) finally stopped procrastinating/just talking about serving at church and started doing- so now every other week I'm helping out in the nursery.  I've been attempting to plan a spaghetti dinner fundraiser for our March for Babies team... I though it was go but now there might be an issue with our location (and I already ordered tickets :( ) so if this location falls through I think we might not do it this year and start earlier in our planning next year.  What else is on my plate... figuring out the advertising for my mom's greenhouse and newly discovered love of paper crafting including scrap booking and card making.  Typing it all out makes me feel a little frazzled :). 

God is good though- especially to give me all these things to keep my spirits up- I'm sure our groups and just the connection with such loving people has helped me remain happy and positive even while I'm sad.  I don't know if that made a lot of sense but really that is how I feel most days.  The days that I'm not feeling that way I'm pretty downright crabby and hard for even Chris to be around... I have to work on that because it sure isn't right to inadvertantly take out my grief on him because it's his grief too. 

Well, I guess that's all I have to say tonight.  Now I'm going to put in a little time with my paper crafting before heading to bed.  :)