Monday, February 21, 2011


I have never been a big fan of winter even though I've lived in Wisconsin all my life (and the northern part of it for most of my life).  But this year I think I'm definitely feeling the depressing effects of these winter months.  Especially as we get hit with another round of winter weather.  This time it's a bit wetter for us which leaves a big slushy icy mess out there.  **sigh** Wishing for spring in a big way right now... warm weather...the day the leaves just start opening on the trees...spring grass...trips to the zoo... and my favorite- flowers.... 

Monday, February 14, 2011

A Little Joy

So I started this new blog so I had a place where I felt more comfortable posting about everything in my life (that I wish to blog about that is!)... my previous blog as you might know was started when Morgan died and I was in the absolute pit of sadness....  hence a name like Empty Arms Broken Heart.  So late 2010 I decided my blogging needed a fresh start, a fresh place to talk about the happy and the sad.  Then of course we got right back to some new sad much too soon on this new blog.  But even in the middle of that sadness there is JOY.  And I thought I'd share some of it!

Our Getaway after Gage's Memorial Service

The day after Gage's memorial service Chris, Hunter and I headed out of town for a few days.  We had spent over a week without Hunter (who was staying with my Mom up north) and we just needed to get away from everything as well as spend some good quality time with him.  We went to Dubuque, Iowa.  Reasons for picking Dubuque-  1.the Mississippi River Museum and Aquarium 2. less than 3 hour drive 3. relatively inexpensive to stay there.  So the first few pictures are from that trip.

Snacking in the hotel room- first time we let him handle the spoon on his own. Hotel room= we don't have to clean up the mess... just kidding- we would've but he did pretty well, the mess was contained to his face.

Petting the... fish??  :)  Looks like it doesn't it? 

Two of my boys and an octopus...  

This might have been Hunter's favorite thing to do the whole trip...   crawl in and out of the hotel room's nightstand... 
And a few random pictures from month 13 of Hunter's life...

Mama just let me get outside already!

The great blizzard of 2011...  Daddy got a snow day from work and Hunter got a few face washes but loved every minute!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011


 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” 
Psalm 46:10

(all emphasis placed by me)

The above verses are on my heart today.  I've been feeling very overwhelmed with all the things/decisions/thoughts that I (we) have going on right now.  Bordering on anxious... and feeling impatient for answers.  I need these verses today and everyday (especially the parts I've bolded) to remind me to place it all in God's hands and to wait (patiently).  I've been praying everyday about the direction we are meant to go with some things now that Gage is gone. Things regarding me continuing to stay home or work, Chris or I starting/restarting college courses this fall, how/when to grow our family and several other things that have been heavy on my mind and heart... All these things feel so big and huge trying to figure them out and every time Chris and I try to talk about some of them all we do is argue.  Which makes it all the more overwhelming and frustrating.  But while I've been praying on them I don't think I've been giving them completely over to God.  Something I really need to work on. 

Saturday, February 5, 2011


This question will never be fully answered here on earth and as one of my friends (who also has babies in heaven) said once- when we join our babies in heaven will the why even matter anymore?   But tonight I can't help but wonder why.  I've been missing Gage so much.  As evidenced by my posting the other night, I'm drawn to reading the comments/looking at the belly pics of my pregnant friends and it just makes me long so much for Gage... for Morgan... and for being pregnant.  Our plan doesn't involve anymore pregnancies.  Oh how I wish it did... wish it could... (obviously God's plan might be different but unless that becomes evident down the road this is the decision we've made...)

Tonight as I sat down to turn off the computer (which usually doesn't happen without looking at something(s)- email, Facebook, MISS, blog world etc) I took a few minutes to just look at my pictures of Gage.  And I wished for more pictures.  When Morgan died, we didn't get a lot of pictures especially not with us.  Even knowing the things I wished for when Morgan died (like more pictures of us with her, pictures of me pregnant etc) I still don't feel like I took enough.  I so often didn't have my camera with me when I went to the NICU.  I wish I would've taken pictures of us holding Gage in our hands when they changed his bedding or weighed him or changed diapers.  I wish I would've had pictures of him with our wedding rings.  I have a couple I tried to take with Chris' ring because I never had mine on.  I had taken it off when I went to the hospital knowing it was getting close to the point where I wouldn't be able to get it off and I never remembered to have it brought back up to the hospital when Gage was born.  I wish I had pictures of him in his one micro preemie outfit I bought him.  It arrived the day Gage died and my sister was going to bring it when she came to say goodbye but in the rush to get up there she forgot it.  It was so much cuter than the outfit the nurse took pictures of him in after we left the hospital.  And after looking at pictures of Gage I read through all my CaringBridge posts, lived those days over again. 

I'm not mad at God.  I know if I was He could handle that but I'm really not.  I'm just sad.  And I'm having a hard time dealing with this grief.  With Morgan I was outwardly mourning daily for a long time.  I cried all the time, I felt uncomfortable around everyone and rarely wanted to be around groups of people especially without Chris.  I could hardly look anyone in the face because I didn't want to show them the pain.  I hated being asked how are you and couldn't say good and had a hard time saying even okay.  I wasn't okay. 

I've learned though that I can be good/okay and still be sad.  But I don't know if everyone understands that.  I don't know if anyone really knows how sad I am.  I wonder if they think that I'm "over" it.  Especially the family and friends that knew what a wreck I was after Morgan died.  I'm so not over it (not that you ever get over it, I'm not "over" Morgan either).  I'm just as sad as when Morgan died.  I'm just dealing with it so much differently this time.  Part of that is being forced to deal with it differently- I have a wonderful toddler who I have to think of this time, who I have to take care of instead of staying in my pajamas and bathrobe on the couch for three days straight.  My faith and relationship with God is also deeper/closer.  Chris' is as well so together we've been stronger.  But it still hurts the same and sometimes I just don't know where to go with all the hurt.  I don't know how to let it out this time.  Sometimes like right now, I'm so sad and I just can't cry.  I just silently ache instead. And write rambling blog posts- the only voice I'm giving to this grief these days other than saying out loud to Chris that I'm sad.

I have to just place it all in His hands.  I wish that was enough to make it not hurt anymore.  I guess it just has to be enough that no matter how much it hurts, He's holding me. 

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Blissful Innocence

As previously mentioned I have a number of Facebook friends who are pregnant- and some of these have other Facebook friends who comment on their statuses (and weekly belly pics) who are also pregnant... Most of these ladies are blocked from my news feed but in true lack of self control (and wanting to make sure they are still doing okay) I now and then have to take a peek at what's going on.  So much pregnancy innocence...  (most of the time not in a bad way) and tonight's peek just made me long for that.  My last two pregnancies I spent the first trimester and good portions of the second trimester (with Hunter I did not "open up" about the pregnancy until I was on bed rest at 25 weeks) trying to avoid the subject of me being pregnant.  I distinctly remember when I was pregnant with Hunter having to go to a work meeting at our corporate office where nearly no one knew I was pregnant and doing my best to hide my 23 or 24 week pregnant belly.  Not being thin to begin with it was not easy but I managed to make it out of there without having to tell anyone or being asked any questions.  With Gage I think I relaxed a little and talked a bit more a little earlier since I had had one "successful" pregnancy.  My blissful innocence (only marred by my normal "worrying" tendencies rather than fully knowing what could happen) lasted a mere 21 weeks (less if you consider that I didn't find out until I was 5 weeks along and even then ended up with a few worrisome weeks of bleeding early on).  So let's say 14... I had 14 weeks of complaining about my all day sickness, wishing time would move faster so I could meet my baby, being "proud" of the size of my belly, worrying about weight gain, thinking that I would for sure be leaving the hospital with a baby, of not being afraid to tell anyone at all I was pregnant for fear of having to tell them the baby died... and the list goes on.

**sigh** Blissful innocence how I miss you.