This question will never be fully answered here on earth and as one of my friends (who also has babies in heaven) said once- when we join our babies in heaven will the why even matter anymore? But tonight I can't help but wonder why. I've been missing Gage so much. As evidenced by my posting the other night, I'm drawn to reading the comments/looking at the belly pics of my pregnant friends and it just makes me long so much for Gage... for Morgan... and for being pregnant. Our plan doesn't involve anymore pregnancies. Oh how I wish it did... wish it could... (obviously God's plan might be different but unless that becomes evident down the road this is the decision we've made...)
Tonight as I sat down to turn off the computer (which usually doesn't happen without looking at something(s)- email, Facebook, MISS, blog world etc) I took a few minutes to just look at my pictures of Gage. And I wished for more pictures. When Morgan died, we didn't get a lot of pictures especially not with us. Even knowing the things I wished for when Morgan died (like more pictures of us with her, pictures of me pregnant etc) I still don't feel like I took enough. I so often didn't have my camera with me when I went to the NICU. I wish I would've taken pictures of us holding Gage in our hands when they changed his bedding or weighed him or changed diapers. I wish I would've had pictures of him with our wedding rings. I have a couple I tried to take with Chris' ring because I never had mine on. I had taken it off when I went to the hospital knowing it was getting close to the point where I wouldn't be able to get it off and I never remembered to have it brought back up to the hospital when Gage was born. I wish I had pictures of him in his one micro preemie outfit I bought him. It arrived the day Gage died and my sister was going to bring it when she came to say goodbye but in the rush to get up there she forgot it. It was so much cuter than the outfit the nurse took pictures of him in after we left the hospital. And after looking at pictures of Gage I read through all my CaringBridge posts, lived those days over again.
I'm not mad at God. I know if I was He could handle that but I'm really not. I'm just sad. And I'm having a hard time dealing with this grief. With Morgan I was outwardly mourning daily for a long time. I cried all the time, I felt uncomfortable around everyone and rarely wanted to be around groups of people especially without Chris. I could hardly look anyone in the face because I didn't want to show them the pain. I hated being asked how are you and couldn't say good and had a hard time saying even okay. I wasn't okay.
I've learned though that I can be good/okay and still be sad. But I don't know if everyone understands that. I don't know if anyone really knows how sad I am. I wonder if they think that I'm "over" it. Especially the family and friends that knew what a wreck I was after Morgan died. I'm so not over it (not that you ever get over it, I'm not "over" Morgan either). I'm just as sad as when Morgan died. I'm just dealing with it so much differently this time. Part of that is being forced to deal with it differently- I have a wonderful toddler who I have to think of this time, who I have to take care of instead of staying in my pajamas and bathrobe on the couch for three days straight. My faith and relationship with God is also deeper/closer. Chris' is as well so together we've been stronger. But it still hurts the same and sometimes I just don't know where to go with all the hurt. I don't know how to let it out this time. Sometimes like right now, I'm so sad and I just can't cry. I just silently ache instead. And write rambling blog posts- the only voice I'm giving to this grief these days other than saying out loud to Chris that I'm sad.
I have to just place it all in His hands. I wish that was enough to make it not hurt anymore. I guess it just has to be enough that no matter how much it hurts, He's holding me.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26