Thursday, January 27, 2011


One of the hardest parts of having a baby early/having a baby die has got to be how it seems like everyone is pregnant.  **sigh**  Not that I'm not happy for them but they are everywhere!!!!  2 ladies from Hunter's playgroup, my brother's girlfriend and at least 4 other "facebook friends".  Not to mention the random people like when you go to the store and the person checking you out ends up being pregnant?!?  Again- totally totally happy for everyone, but I'm really missing being pregnant.  For one I "should" still be pregnant and for two it's seems pretty darn certain that I will not be pregnant again unless there is some major other plan on God's part.  I think I'm mourning that nearly as much as I'm mourning the death of Gage. 

Chris and I had agreed before Gage was born that it was likely our last pregnancy... and as much as it hurts to still go with that decision, I think it's the right one.  I struggle with some guilt about the fact that so many women are out there trying to get pregnant and yet we are going to take measures to not get pregnant again.  I really wish I could "gift" my getting pregnant ability to someone who needs it.  Cuz that certainly has never been my problem- I just can't seem to stay pregnant long enough to have more of my babies live than die.   

So it's the adoption track from here on out.  It'll be awhile- hopefully not super long- I want Hunter to have a sibling who isn't too much younger than him.  But we have some things to take care of first so it's looking like we won't even be starting the process for a yearish.  **sigh** And honestly we need that time to grieve.  I think we'll need more- or at least I will.  With Morgan I was able to "wallow" in the grief whenever I needed to which I think helped bring...peace? acceptence? I'm not sure what word I'm looking for, because it's not that I've ever stopped missing her and being sad she isn't here with us but it's grown less intense, the ache the grief the sadness is just a part of everyday, but not in a big huge way- it's just there and a part of me a missing part of our family. But now with Hunter around I sometimes have to try to put my grief on hold and of course it's not (always) an on demand thing like, oh now that Hunter is napping I will sit down and cry for an hour.  It just doesn't work like that.  So it seems like it sort of "builds" and then I have days like yesterday where everything made me cry.  We'll see how tomorrow goes... Gage's 1 month Birthday.  **sigh**  Wish I was celebrating it in the NICU... wish I was able to think to myself, "maybe this means we are 1/3 through the NICU time."  I wish wish wish... Uggh...


  1. Oh honey, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Please know that I am praying for you.