Sunday, January 16, 2011


I apologize in advance if this post is all over the place- there is so much going through my mind and my heart that I think this post will go everywhere in no particular order....

We've definitely been so wrapped in love from our friends and family during the past few weeks it has been a true blessing.  When Morgan died I felt pretty isolated.  Not that we didn't have friends and family supporting us then, but we didn't have the church family we have now and even more importantly we didn't have friends who "got" what it is like to have a baby/child die.  Instead we met people who got it after.  To now be surrounded (a lot virtually!) immediately by those who have traveled the road of saying goodbye to a baby is comforting (even though we certainly wish no one had to experience outliving their children).

This grief over saying goodbye (at least for now) to Gage is so very different than with Morgan (not less, just different).  I feel incredibly numb most the time though each day it "sinks in" a little more.  It feels so much like a dream.  Not just the part where Gage died, but even his 10 days here feel like I dreamed them.  Even my pregnancy feels like a dream.  But then there are these moments where it's all so real- where it's hard to catch my breath because it's all so much- there is no baby kicking away inside me, there are no trips to the hospital to see Gage in the NICU, there is no more Gage here on this earth. 

It's also harder to grieve when those moments do come.  Hunter is a wonderful distraction (that we thank God for each day) who certainly guarantees I can't stay in bed all day and cry- but it also becomes hard to have a good cry when I really need to. A hard balance.

I feel like I could write so much more about how I feel, but at the same time there isn't much else to say.  I'm sad.  So sad that Gage couldn't stay here with us.  But I'm thankful that he is healed and whole in Heaven playing with his big sister and many friends.  I look forward to seeing how God will use this brokenness in our lives for His good.  I'm praying for direction on how we should go forward, what we can do to use Gage's short life and our sadness for His good.  But I'm still sad.  I still wish things could be different. 

It's been in both of our hearts to adopt- whether Gage was able to stay on earth with us or not so we are also praying about that.  It's too soon for us to take many steps toward it right now and honestly on the financial side of adoption it looks like an impossible leap at the moment, but sometime in the relatively near future we hope to be able to start the process- once we've allowed ourselves some time to grieve.

And another prayer I have is for the grace to continue to hear my brother's girlfriend complain about her "miserable" pregnancy!  It is so not my place at all to "begrudge" anyone their own individual emotions regarding anything let alone pregnancy.  But it certainly makes me miserable to read of how "pregnancy sucks" and she's had "one crappy symptom after another" when I would gladly take on all the nausea, swelling issues, heartburn etc to be still pregnant.  I've debated "defriending" her on facebook (because blocking her from my news feed does not stop the twisted curiosity that leads me to now and then check out her page) , but don't want to create a rift.  **sigh**  The joys of a social networking site (as Chris would say).

Well, as Hunter has decided that 6:30am is a good time to get up this Mama ought to go to bed.  The days can be long right now so all the sleep I can get is probably a good thing. 


  1. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Gage. I lost my Gage 18 months ago when he was 8 months old to complication of a rare storage disease. Your babies are all beautiful. Mary

  2. Anna, you have never been far from my thoughts lately. Some nights, I lie in bed and think about you and Chris, and pray for you. I hope the days you had away were restful.

    I'm so sorry about your brother's girlfriend. I know that it so hard; so unfair. I'll keep that situation in my prayers and hopefully some kind of resolution can be found that will save your heart from her ignorance.

    we love you all

  3. thinking of you, and glad to hear how relatively "good" you sound given everything.

    sorry about your brother's girlfriend, too. that would be extremely hard for me to deal with too. i have to think de-friending her would create more problems than it would solve, especially because you would still want to know.

  4. Anna,
    I am so sorry. I know that all of what you are feeling is a part of grieving and healing. I will be praying for the issues with you brothers girlfriend. I know that I had to that same thing with someone from church. And it helped so much to not have to see the comments... Even still, over two years later. Sometimes you really have to look out for your own heart. I am praying for you Anna!