Sunday, January 2, 2011


Gage is doing pretty well today so Chris and I left the hospital for a couple of hours to go to church.  It never ceases to amaze me how some of the messages are just so relevant to my/our life and/or even sometimes how I'll be having a conversation with someone and then at church that week the message addresses the same or similar topics. It's just awe inspiring.  Today's message was the beginning of a series entitle "Broken" (linked to the video of the sermon) and it was just so relevant.  It made me think a lot about how I felt when Morgan died and how I changed and most importantly how her death motivated me to move closer to God.  I know I could've gone the other way easily- I could've reverted to the place I was a year earlier where I didn't give God much of a thought- unless I wanted something- then I said sort of a "gimme" type prayer.  Please give me this, please make this happen. Never praising/thanking Him for anything in my life at least not in a sincere type way.  Oh how easy it would've been to push God away when my baby girl died.  But thankfully I didn't.  Thankfully I met people (especially one amazing online friend almost right away) who inspired/helped me hold on to my newly found faith and desire to have/maintain/grow a relationship with God.  I highly recommend watching the video if you have around 45 minutes.  Especially if you might be struggling with faith or having a "crisis of faith" due to being broken by events in your life.  Obviously I can't guarantee you'll feel the same way I do having heard it, but I think it's worth a try.  I definitely came away from church today uplifted.  It's not necessarily the most uplifting message necessarily but it made me think of what I've already been through with losing Morgan and how her life/death and the paths I've taken because of them have given me more strength and more resources to be able to better deal with having Gage in the NICU. 

I was also uplifted by the support we received at church.  Our church is a big church.  When Morgan died, heck even a year ago, we went to church and went home.  Now and then Chris would see an old high school classmate or coworker and that was it.  Since having Hunter in the nursery, participating in some serving opportunities and joining our first small group we know people and those people are praying for us, for Gage and even asking others to pray for us.  Today the lady who is the director of the nursery program took time to introduce me and explain our situation to the lead Pastor who then prayed with me immediately, while at the same time one of the people who led our small group was across the room praying with Chris.  My heart was filled with joy upon leaving, just knowing that we now have a church family who cares about us. 

On the Gage side of things I'm excited to say I got to hold him briefly- well hold him up in my hands- while they changed his blankets today AND I got to change his tiny little diaper AND he got his first feeding of my breast milk today.  It was just 1cc and of course it went into a tube straight down into his stomach- no tasting, but he was sucking/chewing at the time it was going down which was cute.  His nurse got a beautiful picture of his open eyes- unfortunately I can't post it until I'm home with enough time to scan it since the just print them out for us. 

On the Hunter side of things he left with Gramma (my mom) today.  He'll be staying with her (5.5 hours away!!!) for a week at least.  If things are going really well for Gage I will meet up with my mom early next week to bring him home.  If Gage isn't doing well then he may stay for a up to two weeks.  Even though I've been in the hospital for two weeks and not seeing much of him, it's still weird that he is gone and I won't even get to see him for the hour a day I was getting to.  It will be good for him to have some consistancy though.  He won't be shuffled here and there- Gramma mostly stays home so they'll play and eat meals at the samish time each day and have regular naps and etc.  So even though we'll miss him it'll be nicer for him then getting dragged to the hospital or different people watching him every day.  Still it was hard to let him go.

Well, time to grab some dinner and then go in by Gage again.



    "in the night my hope lives on" -andrew peterson
    I am weary with the pain of Jacob's wrestling
    In the darkness with the Fear, in the darkness with the Fear
    But he met the morning wounded with a blessing
    So in the night my hope lives on

    When Elisha woke surrounded by the forces
    Of the enemies of God, the enemies of God
    He saw the hills aflame with angels on their horses
    So in the night my hope lives on

    I see the slave that toils beneath the yoke unyielding
    And I can hear the captive groan, hear the captive groan
    For some hand to stay the whip his foe is wielding
    Still in the night my hope lives on

    I see the armies of the enemy approaching
    And the people driven, trembling, to the shore
    But a doorway through the waters now is opening
    So in the night my hope lives on

    Like the son who thought he'd gone beyond forgiveness,
    Too ashamed to lift his head--but if he could lift his head
    He would see his father running from a distance
    In the night my hope lives on

    I can see the crowd of men retreating
    As he stands between the woman and their stones
    And if mercy in his holy heart is beating
    Then in the night my hope lives on

    I remember how they scorned the son of Mary
    He was gentle as a lamb, gentle as a lamb
    He was beaten, he was crucified, and buried
    And in the night, my hope was gone

    But the rulers of earth could not control Him
    They did not take his life--he laid it down
    All the chains of earth could never hope to hold him
    So in the night my hope lives on

  2. Anna, my heart feels heavy for you. I don't know what kinds of struggles that you are going through- the emotional roller-coaster of things that must be going on right now.
    Know that you're being prayed over and little sweet Gage is being lifted up in prayer.

    love you,