Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Starting to "sink in"

I think the shock and numbness is really starting to wear off.  Not that I haven't grieved or missed Gage before this, but the tears are really starting to come more frequently now.  Which is really hard with an active little boy.  Not that I'd trade him for being able to sit and mope...

Yesterday I had to take Hunter to the doctor.  His pediatrician's office is in the same building as my OB office.  The last time I had been there (6 weeks ago yesterday as a matter of fact) I saw Gage via ultrasound.  It was also the day I was put on hospital bed rest.  6 weeks... such a short but yet long span of time.  6 weeks ago he was still "where he was supposed to be" growing and developing inside of me.  6 weeks ago we still had hope of a long life with him here on earth.  From the moment I knew I had to take Hunter in (by myself too as Chris was working) I was down about it.  And on the drive there I couldn't stop crying.  We live about 1.5 miles from the hospital Gage was at.  We could actually see almost to our house from the window Gage was by in the NICU.  So as I'm driving up that road I can also see the exact window he was by.  Stupid silly little things right?  Enough to start the tears though. 

I wish my mind didn't hop to all the anniversary days/dates so quickly.  Every Tuesday, every Friday and in two days we'll be coming up on our first monthly anniversary- 1 month since Gage was born.  Crazy to think if things had been different I would've been 30 weeks pregnant on Friday...or Gage would've been 1 month old.

Oh and that is likely the day I will have to go take my rental pump back to the hospital.  Again by myself since Hunter possibly has pinkeye and had a fever tonight so is likely coming down with something meaning we shouldn't be taking him out and about.  I know I could probably ask someone else to take it up there for me but part of me wants to go up there- just wish Chris could come with me.  I would feel much more comfortable walking down to the NICU to say hi if he was with me.  Without him I'll probably skip it unless I can meet up with our social worker.  (We call her "our" social worker- she she social worker who does the RTS bereavement program as well as the NICU stuff- and I'd like to think we've become friends with her over the years since Morgan was born).

Speaking of pumps- I weaned pretty quickly- which wasn't hard as I had not built up a good supply yet but now I'm totally regretting weaning.  I could've continued to pump and donate my milk (making arrangements to donate what I had already pumped at the hospital) which would've probably helped this baby weight come off.  It's so super frustrating/sad to be carrying around the extra weight knowing how hard it is going to be to get it off without nursing.  When I had Morgan I had only gained 10ish pounds then I gained another 10 in the 6 weeks I was off of work because we ate out a lot and I did a lot of baking and just hanging out on the couch.  I never did get any of it off before I got pregnant with Hunter- but after I had Hunter because I was nursing him I lost all of the weight I gained with him PLUS 10lbs before I became pregnant with Gage.  All without really trying.  I had no regular exercise plan and followed no special diet to lose the weight.  I'm very frustrated knowing how hard it's going to be to get rid of 20lbs from this pregnancy.  It's a really sad reminder that I had a baby but that baby isn't here

**sigh** I guess that's enough crying to my blog readers tonight.  Time for half an episode of One Tree Hill and a glass of chocolate wine before Chris gets home. 


  1. Sweet Anna. The things you are experiencing are not stupid or silly. And while they may be little to someone else, they are huge for a grieving mommy. Dates, times, anniversaries and even the simplest thoughts/things can trigger the tears to flow and your heart to break even more. Thinking of you and praying for the Lord to hold you close.


  2. Totally know where you are coming from and thinking and praying a lot for you :) And Chocolate Wine?!? I've never heard of that before :) Must be good...although I am not a wine drinker...I do like my chocolate :) And don't worry about the look will come off but I know how frustrating it is...I'm not someone that loses weight very easily...probably 'cause I have no self-control and I love sweets! :) Anyway...take care...I'm sure there will be a lot more hard days ahead but just know that I will be praying and that the God who holds Gage safe in His mighty arms is holding you too!

    Love ya!