Thursday, December 30, 2010

One of us is home...

I am home from the hospital.  It is a bittersweet feeling to be home.  I'm not "overjoyed" that bed rest is over because of course at least a few days/weeks/months more would've been better for Gage, but as I have absolutely no way to turn back the clock, I would say that I am looking on the bright side of things and enjoying a great deal of the aspects of being off of bed rest.  I must say though my legs and feet are beyond sore and tired.  I've not walked and stood this much in over 5 months!  It is wonderful to be able to hold Hunter in my lap while sitting up and stand up to change his diaper and put on his jammies and walk beside him holding his hand. 

It is also bittersweet to be home because of course we left the hospital empty handed again.  This time it's not so heartbreaking as we can at least return to visit a living breathing baby, but it definitely brought back the memories of leaving without Morgan.  Although since we went from my room to the NICU to see Gage for awhile at least I wasn't wheeled down to the exit without a baby.  But now we are sort of in limbo.  Sometimes when I think of the long road ahead of us I have to stop and remind myself to breath.  He's doing so well right now that I think part of me is just waiting for something to go wrong.  Of course part of me (the bigger part) is also rejoicing that he is doing so well right now.  

It's weird to now be a part of three completely different births/outcomes.  The death of our newly born Morgan, a "full term normal" birth with Hunter and now a preemie in the NICU.  It's just mind boggling sometimes. 

I could probably ramble on for hours about the emotions and thoughts that I have and that change with me on a moment to moment basis, but as I'm still waiting on my milk to come in I have to stick to pumping ever 2-3 hours and I'm just about at the end of that time frame.  I also need to sleep soon after that as my almost 13 month old does not consistently sleep through the night and rest is important for making milk.

I'll end with saying that I'm so in love with both of my boys and missing their sister (especially because I am so outnumbered- it's 3 to 1 now!). And I thank God for all three of my children and am praying for lots of patience and strength for our long NICU journey as well as for Gage to grow big and strong. 

1 comment:

  1. He's a sweetheart! Dare I say he looks like Hunter? :-)

    It is going to be a long road, but we will pray that it has the best outcome there is! Gage is in the perfect place to make sure that he stays healthy and grows big.

    Continued prayer for strength, faith, and peace for you! Keep your chin up!