So I'm not quite through my second 24 hours yet, but wanted to report that all is quiet. Saw my (WONDERFUL) Doc this morning. Our "plan" (obviously subject to change on a dime) is to do a physical exam of my cervix tomorrow- because I asked. Not that checking it will change anything, but I want to know where we are- if the stitch looks as it has, if there is any dilating etc. Then next Monday or Tuesday he's sending me to the Perinatal Assessment Center (aka PAC) here at the hospital to have an u/s done to see if there has been any change. Assuming I have any cervix left and am not too dilated, I will be allowed to go down to the RTS Bereavement Program's Christmas Memorial on Tuesday night- via wheelchair. Which if it happens is sort of a big bonus because I wasn't going to be able to go if I was at home on bed rest. Well I might have been approved by my wonderful Dr but I wasn't even going to ask, because as important as the service is I really really wanted to be allowed to go to Christmas Eve Church service and that was what I was going to ask to do if things had stayed in the 1cm range. But when one door closes...
So in my internet travels this morning (which have been pretty extensive as I've been awake since about 3am when I had a vital check and my procardia dose and up and watching tv/surfing the internet since 3:50am) I came across a verse I want to share and talk about.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. 6 I will sing to the Lord because he is good to me. Psalm 13:5-6 (NLT)
This verse struck me today, because from where I'm sitting, it would be really really really easy to get down and feel discouraged- and at times I do get pretty down. So reading this this morning really made me think about how good He has been to me. First and foremost, I'm saved through Jesus dying for my sins. That is the most important thing. During all the years that I wasn't much of a follower, He never abandoned me, never let go of me even though I didn't know it. And then there are all the amazing things that are in my life. My husband. My living son. My wonderful family. My awesome friends. A roof over my head, food on my table, clothes for us and other tangible need fulfillments as well as pretty fair amount of want fulfillments. My daughter. Yes even though she isn't here, her short life has touched my life in ways that have inspired me to touch other lives- through March for Babies and donating to other causes in her memory, to be more compassionate to those who suffer, to be (in my opinion) a more appreciative parent than I probably would've been. And I hope to do so much more in her memory. He has gotten me through the really tough times, even those really tough times when I didn't know he was getting me through- he placed people in my life- that got me through times when I might've done regrettable things (even more regrettable than the things I was doing). He used some bad circumstances (most which I had brought upon myself) to keep other even worse circumstances from happening. And since I have begun devoloping/working on/growing a relationship with Him I can see all those things and I can appreciate the good- even in the bad times and the scary times. This is something I'm going to need to continue to remind myself to do- remember, reflect, be thankful for all the good things- during this part of my life when the outcome is so uncertain. Not that any outcome is every guaranteed, but with the loss of "pregnancy innocence" comes a huge wide scary realm of knowing what went wrong for you and what has gone wrong (differently) for everyone else- which makes it hard to blindly hope. Instead it is an conscience effort to place all of it in His hands, every day and every moment. Which I'll admit I'm not always able to do every moment.
Thank you so much to all of my "blog" friends and all those I don't know who are reading and keeping us in their thoughts and prayers. I do have an additional request for prayer for my husband. He's already struggling some with being Hunter's main caretaker, taking care of the house, trying to sleep, arranging people to help and working a 5 day a week 2nd shift job with 4 nights of on call a week as well as having me and "little brother" on his mind. I know worry is my personal "spiritual inhibitor" but I am so concerned for him. Next week should be better (hopefully) as Hunter will stay overnight by grandma on or two nights and then my Nana will be back for two nights so hopefully Chris will be able to get a little more sleep, but it's on my mind so much that he is not getting nearly enough sleep to be out on the road driving for his job 8 hours plus possible middle of the night calls. So any prayers for him would also be deeply appreciated. In a way I have the "easy" job right now.