6 months

Last Tuesday marked Gage's 6 month birthday.  Tomorrow marks 6 months since he died.  Tonight is 6 months since the first time I got to hold him outside of his isolette....  They were changing out his isolette and giving him a new one (for cleanliness purposes) and it had been pushed off a couple days past when they usually do it (once a week and it was day 9 of life for him) in part to make sure he was doing well enough to be disturbed that much and in part to see if we could do it when Chris and I were both around to hold him during the switch.  It was Chris' first night back to work since Gage had been born, but he was okay with just me being there as he really wanted Gage to have a "clean" bed.  (they did change the bedding everyday- no worries there!).  I was so excited to hold him close(r) to me- granted I couldn't snuggle him up as much as I wanted to because of his respirator and all that but at least I got to give him a kiss too.  I remember the respiratory therapists' friendly bantering and just finally getting to hold him outside the isolette.  It made me long that much more for some skin to skin snuggling (aka kangaroo care) that I hoped to soon be able to have with him.  It was also my first night staying up at the hospital without Chris since Gage had been born.  I was up late and just spent a lot of time just sitting with Gage.  I'm so happy and grateful that we were able to board at the hospital for a week.  We only spent one night not under the same roof as him while he was living. It was such a great gift to be able to walk down the hall at whatever time of the day or night I wanted and just sit with him for a few minutes. 

What would a 6 month old (3 month adjusted age) be doing right now???  I can't even fathom what life would be like with him here.  And for the most part, I try not to.  I have moments when it's intense- like when I saw the mom from our playgroup who was due near me and has a 3.5 month old and a 19 month old on the 4th of July.  Two little boys riding in a double stroller.   And it was like my heart skipped a couple beats and even while I smiled and chatted for a moment in my mind there was this whisper of- that was almost us too.  But it's not and no amount of wishing will make it be, so it's easier to try not to think about what we thought would be. 

God has a plan and it's perfect- even when I don't think it is.  He brings beauty out of the sorrows and through all things He is always there.  It's often I need to be reminded of those things because some days it's hard not to feel left behind... most of my playgroup is expecting or has had a second baby this year... most of my church friends from our first ever small group are expecting this year as well.  But this time around (as compared to with Morgan) I find myself much less "sad for myself" about others pregnancies.  I'm so not perfect so I can't say that I don't get a little down at times that I'm no longer "part of the club" so to speak but after Morgan died I could hardly stand to be around anyone pregnant- including my sister in law.  And I do long to be pregnant again, to bring home another baby but of course that's not likely in the near future.  Nor is adopting.  And most the time I'm okay with that because the time will do us good.  After Morgan died I pushed and pushed and cried and begged and made plans to get pregnant as soon as possible.  It was one of my sole focuses.  But now even though I long and want another child I can still hold Hunter in my arms and enjoy our time with him instead of concentrating on another sub pregnancy.  Not that I'd complain if God's plan included another pregnancy (and if it happened right now it would really have to be in His plan!)- it's just not my sole focus.

Point of all the babbling tonight is... I miss Gage.  The last 6 months feel like a lifetime.  I look longingly forward to the day when I can see Gage and Morgan again in Heaven and hold them in my arms.  And the book I posted about in my last post- Heaven Is For Real- well it gives me even more hope and longing. 

Book to read...

...  Heaven is for Real....   I might be a little behind cuz I think it's been out for awhile, but my sweet friend who is on bed rest right now (and 31 weeks praise God!) gave it to me last week and I couldn't put it down.   Seriously if you haven't read it already read it.  Be prepared for some tears though.  

5 months gone & a prayer request

It's been 5 months since I held Gage in my arms and said goodbye.  I hate that the only time I got to really hold him close to me was while we were saying goodbye.   It still feels very dream-like.... as if he was only in my imagination.  I still can't figure that out.  It sure didn't feel dream like when Morgan died.  Boy I miss him.... them...

I'd like to request all you blog world friends to pray about something completely unrelated to Gage or Morgan...  My sister in law and brother in law are really struggling in their marriage these days.  To be honest- they've been struggling for awhile.  One positive thing is they've been attending a new church.  It's my hope that they both benefit from this new church and develop a strong relationship with Jesus which will in turn help them so much (well at least I think it will) in overcoming their relationship struggles.  In addition I'm praying (and hoping you all can add this request too) that our family would become more compassionate/supportive of them.  Right now there seems to be way more frustrations coming from everyone about it than compassion.  Some of the family is "tired" of having family gatherings "ruined" by the "drama" their tensions bring.  It's hard for me to see this/hear this. I know I'm so not perfect and that I get frustrated with some of the family drama too but it just hurts to see them going through this and then having to feel as though they "ruining" things.  I can only imagine that they are both hurting so much, for I know how I feel when Chris and I have pretty minor conflicts/fights and it just sucks... but to think of how I would feel if most of my days were that way... **sigh**   Thanks to anyone who can help pray for them. 

What's happening these days....

I've been a terrible blogger.  For the most part I've stopped even attempting to write any posts because I get halfway done and go "ugh this is not how it sounded in my head..."   So let's see if I can at least write an update post that I'll be satisfied with!

Our Hunter is almost 17.5 months old- how time flies.  He is into everything, running, becoming very independent and is just the love of our lives even though some days he just exhausts me.  Here is a recent picture of our little piranha monkey... (He's a biter- makes me crazy! And I've tried pretty much everything... but he's still doing it especially when in a confrontation, so if anyone has any thoughts on it- please feel free to comment and let me know!)

 

 

 

Hunter helping Grandma at her greenhouse.

 Today is 2.5 years since we met and said goodbye to Morgan.  Honestly I can't believe how long ago it was.  On the other hand it's not even been 5 months since Gage was born and spent his 10 days with us but it seems like so long ago.  How does that make any sense???  We are doing okay.  We miss them.  We walked the March for Babies again this year and between all our team members and a spaghetti dinner fundraiser we were able to raise over $6000.00 to go to the March of Dimes.  I'm so happy we could do so much in there memory.    Here are a couple family pictures from the day of the walk.

 April 1st was the 2 year anniversary of Morgan's due date and April 8th was Gage's due date so we just did one balloon release on Gage's due date.  We went to a beach on Lake Michigan and I even wrote their names in the sand.

Let's see, what else is going on....  I have a part time job now.  I had been occasionally looking online for something part time because even though we were making it work, it's been really tight for us- especially after emptying our savings (which wasn't very big to begin with) because of Chris being off for a couple of unpaid weeks and paying for Gage's service.  Then we started applying the principles from our Financial Peace Class and it really highlighted how tight it was.  So even though I would look and then cry because I didn't want to go back to work and leave Hunter, two days before my birthday I found an ad for a M-F job, 10-3 that came with a few benefits like vacation.  I sent in a resume and got contacted right away, interviewed the Monday after Easter and was offered the position on Tuesday.  And so far I love it! I'm a Marketing Clerk which basically means I do a lot of odds and ends stuff but I'm never bored and the people are great.  Hunter for the summer is home with Chris (he adjusted his work schedule) and in fall when Chris starts taking some college courses we will have to find childcare for about 10-15 hours a week and so far I think we have two - three possibilities from church. 


I was able to go to a women's retreat last weekend with my sister in law's church.  It was awesome.  It was my first women's retreat and it was amazing.  It was exciting to spend a whole day (plus a few hours- it was only one night) all about Jesus!  I can't wait for my church's retreat next year!

Well that is pretty much all the new stuff for us right now.  And I think I have a little boy who might be waking up from his nap so we can go grocery shopping....

Quick Prayer Request

So I totally have to find time to write a good long update post but for right now I just have time to ask for a quick prayer request for some good friends from church...  They are currently about 26.5 weeks pregnant and have been in the hospital since Thursday because she has been contracting.  At first they weren't changing her cervix but some strong ones last night now have her dilating a bit.  They have put her on a med to try to stop the contractions but while we were leaving from visiting her tonight she was having a few again- only 3 hours after her most recent dose of the medication.  They are at the same hospital where we delivered our babies.  I'm hoping that God's will might include at least a few more weeks for their little boy to grow bigger and that it's His will they never have to know the pain we (and many of you readers) have had to go through by saying good bye.  I want them to be the "happy ending" the "things were scary but it all worked out and here is our little miracle" story.  But of course in the end only He knows and I know that He works for the good- even in the bad times.  But still I pray He allows this little one to stay on earth with his parents and become Hunter's little friend and such.  But I'm also requesting prayers for strength and patience and comfort through whatever may come for them- especially (and hopefully!)  if it turns into a long bed rest (which they would welcome happily to keep baby growing as long as possible). 

Thank you blog world friends. 

Unfinished Posts

I can't seem to find the right words these days to write about anything.  In the past three months there are nearly a dozen posts that I've started and not finished.  But it feels worse over the past couple weeks.
 
I couldn't finish a post on how Hunter swallowing a penny got us stay at Children's Hospital, the hospital where Gage died and how the whole experience sent me into a huge emotional upheaval. (Hunter is doing fine, don't worry.)

I couldn't finish a post on how I'm feeling about April these days- specifically this first week of April.

I couldn't put into words how I felt on April 1st- the 2nd anniversary of Morgan's due date.

I can't really find the words tonight to write much about Gage's due date tomorrow... Sad... that about sums it up. 

Missing this little boy.  Sad he's not being born now.  Equally sad that since he was already born 3 months ago I'm not bringing him home from the NICU now. 

I believe wholeheartedly that he is safe in Heaven with Jesus (playing with his sister and many friends) and that Heaven is a much better place to be than here on earth.  But yet I still want him here in my arms. 

Meeting my 6 day old niece tonight...

I'm very excited to be going to meet my new niece tonight.  I'm so incredibly happy for my brother and his girlfriend.  Just from Facebook and phone communication I can tell my brother is so in love with his daughter (as is his girlfriend of course).  He's such a proud happy daddy. 

I want to enjoy my niece and focus on her and her parents and their joy.  But I know it will be impossible not to miss my babies as I cradle the sweet weight of my newborn niece in my arms.  In my mind and heart 8 months ago, I imagined our new babies growing up very close in age.  Of course that isn't to be.  The last thing I want to do is make this visit sad- though I already warned my brother, my tears would not mean I'm not happy so hopefully they will understand a few tears if they come.