We found out this afternoon that Gage has some brain bleeds. Grade 3 on the left side and grade 4 on the right. This is not good news. We are praying that the bleeding stops and doesn't get worse over this next week. They will do another ultrasound on his head next Friday, but his blood count tomorrow will give us a good indication on if it is stopping or not.
I'm pretty much a mess right now. Please pray for lots of strength for Chris and I as well as for Gage. We are going to board up at the hospital tonight at least.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
One of us is home...
I am home from the hospital. It is a bittersweet feeling to be home. I'm not "overjoyed" that bed rest is over because of course at least a few days/weeks/months more would've been better for Gage, but as I have absolutely no way to turn back the clock, I would say that I am looking on the bright side of things and enjoying a great deal of the aspects of being off of bed rest. I must say though my legs and feet are beyond sore and tired. I've not walked and stood this much in over 5 months! It is wonderful to be able to hold Hunter in my lap while sitting up and stand up to change his diaper and put on his jammies and walk beside him holding his hand.
It is also bittersweet to be home because of course we left the hospital empty handed again. This time it's not so heartbreaking as we can at least return to visit a living breathing baby, but it definitely brought back the memories of leaving without Morgan. Although since we went from my room to the NICU to see Gage for awhile at least I wasn't wheeled down to the exit without a baby. But now we are sort of in limbo. Sometimes when I think of the long road ahead of us I have to stop and remind myself to breath. He's doing so well right now that I think part of me is just waiting for something to go wrong. Of course part of me (the bigger part) is also rejoicing that he is doing so well right now.
It's weird to now be a part of three completely different births/outcomes. The death of our newly born Morgan, a "full term normal" birth with Hunter and now a preemie in the NICU. It's just mind boggling sometimes.
I could probably ramble on for hours about the emotions and thoughts that I have and that change with me on a moment to moment basis, but as I'm still waiting on my milk to come in I have to stick to pumping ever 2-3 hours and I'm just about at the end of that time frame. I also need to sleep soon after that as my almost 13 month old does not consistently sleep through the night and rest is important for making milk.
I'll end with saying that I'm so in love with both of my boys and missing their sister (especially because I am so outnumbered- it's 3 to 1 now!). And I thank God for all three of my children and am praying for lots of patience and strength for our long NICU journey as well as for Gage to grow big and strong.
It is also bittersweet to be home because of course we left the hospital empty handed again. This time it's not so heartbreaking as we can at least return to visit a living breathing baby, but it definitely brought back the memories of leaving without Morgan. Although since we went from my room to the NICU to see Gage for awhile at least I wasn't wheeled down to the exit without a baby. But now we are sort of in limbo. Sometimes when I think of the long road ahead of us I have to stop and remind myself to breath. He's doing so well right now that I think part of me is just waiting for something to go wrong. Of course part of me (the bigger part) is also rejoicing that he is doing so well right now.
It's weird to now be a part of three completely different births/outcomes. The death of our newly born Morgan, a "full term normal" birth with Hunter and now a preemie in the NICU. It's just mind boggling sometimes.
I could probably ramble on for hours about the emotions and thoughts that I have and that change with me on a moment to moment basis, but as I'm still waiting on my milk to come in I have to stick to pumping ever 2-3 hours and I'm just about at the end of that time frame. I also need to sleep soon after that as my almost 13 month old does not consistently sleep through the night and rest is important for making milk.
I'll end with saying that I'm so in love with both of my boys and missing their sister (especially because I am so outnumbered- it's 3 to 1 now!). And I thank God for all three of my children and am praying for lots of patience and strength for our long NICU journey as well as for Gage to grow big and strong.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Day 15
Well, my hospital bed rest (and bed rest in general) is over. 2 weeks in the hospital plus 3 weeks and a day at home and we made it to 25w 4d before Gage made his early arrival.
I'll be discharged tomorrow- could've been today, but we want to stay one more night close to Gage. We only live about 5 minutes from the hospital and want to have Hunter home with us after tonight so we won't be doing any boarding, unless maybe things turn for the worse.
Gage is still doing well in the NICU, there has been no big or major changes in his condition and they say he is doing "good." We pray this continues but are doing our best to "steel" ourselves for the almost inevitable setbacks that will most likely occur. Although I'm not sure you can ever really prepare yourself.
My doctor was unable to deliver Gage. Turns out yesterday was his birthday and when the on call doc gave him the heads up- he was just sitting down to his birthday dinner with his wife. I'm glad he didn't bail on his birthday dinner. And the on call doc ended up being absolutely awesome. I was a little hesitant about her because last week we had a little misunderstanding regarding whether my cervix was open or closed or what but it turned out that she was pretty great. She was compassionate, very nice and incredibly funny. Considering we were delivering a very premature baby, the OR was a very cheerful place last night. I did have a VBAC, but we delivered in the OR because it was closer to the NICU. So while we were waiting for me to finish dilating (took like 40 minutes to go from 4.5 to 10) and the epidural to "wear off" just enough that I could feel when to push, the nurses, doctor, Chris and myself were actually all quite happy and joking around. That sounds really strange considering the uncertainty and fearfulness of having a 25.5 weeker, but it was perfect. I think a somber, scared environment would've just been more stressful. It did get quiet and somber for a bit while they worked on Gage, because of course the tidbits we hear don't sound good, but Chris helped lighten the mood when he had to lie down on the OR table because he thought he was going to pass out (well after Gage had been delivered and we were awaiting them to finish initial procedures on Gage). In itself it wasn't really that funny, but the doc ran to get him some juice (apple) and when she handed it too him he thought she was giving him a beer and said, "dear you are switching doctors!" I was just giggling. It was crazy.
This morning my Doc who is on vacation came in to see us. Can I just say I heart him? I can't imagine having gone through either of these last two pregnancies with anyone else as my Doctor. Along with just missing being pregnant I'm going to miss seeing him on a monthly/semi-monthly/weekly basis. Once a year just isn't going to be enough LOL.
It's crazy to think we went from a way too premature baby who didn't make it to a nearly full term baby with Hunter and now to a NICU baby with Gage. I know we have a long way to go before he's "out of the woods" completely and I hope and pray that God's will and plan for him is that he will come home and grow up to play alongside his big brother.
Well, that's enough for now, I'm going to go pump so when Chris gets back from his flu shot we can go down to see our littlest guy and maybe bring him a little colostrum taste too.
Thanks again to everyone who is thinking of us and praying for us. It's going to be a long hard road, but we know God is holding us, giving us strength and will get us through it all, whatever comes our way. His will be done....
I'll be discharged tomorrow- could've been today, but we want to stay one more night close to Gage. We only live about 5 minutes from the hospital and want to have Hunter home with us after tonight so we won't be doing any boarding, unless maybe things turn for the worse.
Gage is still doing well in the NICU, there has been no big or major changes in his condition and they say he is doing "good." We pray this continues but are doing our best to "steel" ourselves for the almost inevitable setbacks that will most likely occur. Although I'm not sure you can ever really prepare yourself.
My doctor was unable to deliver Gage. Turns out yesterday was his birthday and when the on call doc gave him the heads up- he was just sitting down to his birthday dinner with his wife. I'm glad he didn't bail on his birthday dinner. And the on call doc ended up being absolutely awesome. I was a little hesitant about her because last week we had a little misunderstanding regarding whether my cervix was open or closed or what but it turned out that she was pretty great. She was compassionate, very nice and incredibly funny. Considering we were delivering a very premature baby, the OR was a very cheerful place last night. I did have a VBAC, but we delivered in the OR because it was closer to the NICU. So while we were waiting for me to finish dilating (took like 40 minutes to go from 4.5 to 10) and the epidural to "wear off" just enough that I could feel when to push, the nurses, doctor, Chris and myself were actually all quite happy and joking around. That sounds really strange considering the uncertainty and fearfulness of having a 25.5 weeker, but it was perfect. I think a somber, scared environment would've just been more stressful. It did get quiet and somber for a bit while they worked on Gage, because of course the tidbits we hear don't sound good, but Chris helped lighten the mood when he had to lie down on the OR table because he thought he was going to pass out (well after Gage had been delivered and we were awaiting them to finish initial procedures on Gage). In itself it wasn't really that funny, but the doc ran to get him some juice (apple) and when she handed it too him he thought she was giving him a beer and said, "dear you are switching doctors!" I was just giggling. It was crazy.
This morning my Doc who is on vacation came in to see us. Can I just say I heart him? I can't imagine having gone through either of these last two pregnancies with anyone else as my Doctor. Along with just missing being pregnant I'm going to miss seeing him on a monthly/semi-monthly/weekly basis. Once a year just isn't going to be enough LOL.
It's crazy to think we went from a way too premature baby who didn't make it to a nearly full term baby with Hunter and now to a NICU baby with Gage. I know we have a long way to go before he's "out of the woods" completely and I hope and pray that God's will and plan for him is that he will come home and grow up to play alongside his big brother.
Well, that's enough for now, I'm going to go pump so when Chris gets back from his flu shot we can go down to see our littlest guy and maybe bring him a little colostrum taste too.
Thanks again to everyone who is thinking of us and praying for us. It's going to be a long hard road, but we know God is holding us, giving us strength and will get us through it all, whatever comes our way. His will be done....
Gage Christopher Gerard
Arrived into this world at 9:35pm 12/28. He weighs 2lbs 2oz and is 13 inches long. As of about a half hour ago when we were in the NICU he was stable. It went pretty fast... I got an epidural and then we had to take the cerclage out and I was fully dilated and Gage arrived in about 40 minutes.
I'm so thankful to God for these extra weeks/days Gage was able to stay put. We pray he does well in the NICU.
I'm so thankful to God for these extra weeks/days Gage was able to stay put. We pray he does well in the NICU.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Day 14
25w 4d, we are now closer to 26 weeks than 25! Woohoo!
Yesterday there was a little "discharge" that had me concerned. My Doc was never too concerned but did an exam anyway and didn't find that there was anything "wrong" with what was going on. My cervix felt the same to him as the last time he checked, pretty much meaning closed. I was quite reassured by this. However the exam did cause me to have some cramping last night (it was gone completely when I woke up so I am pretty sure it was just from the exam) and I also had just a little streak of blood this morning- which got me a bit concerned again. However so far in the past 4 hours I've had absolutely nothing else going on to further concern me so hopefully things will just calm down/stay calm and go back to "normal."
Hunter stayed at grandma & grandpa's last night so Chris and I got to spend a little mommy/daddy time this morning snuggling and watching tv. We also sort of got to have lunch together, but when it came I was on the monitor and so he had to eat and go to get ready for work, so he was gone by the time I got to eat.
So on a fun note, I feel like talking about little brother's possible names... Earlier this year (well before I was pregnant) when Hunter and I were shopping I heard a mom talking to her son, a little boy named Gage. I immediately called Chris and told him I had the perfect name if we were ever blessed with another little boy and he loved it right away too. However as this pregnancy progressed I started hunting for a different name because we had sort of been set on the middle name Allan, as that is Chris' middle name (spelled Allen) and also his dad's middle name (spelled Alan). But our last name is Gerard and I'm not really happy with the fact that Gage Allan Gerard = GAG for initials. Kids can sometimes be cruel and I'd hate for him to be teased at any point in his life because his initials spelled gag. So after reading him nearly 500 names (maybe more!) including ones I wasn't totally liking- the only other name we both like is Mason. So for a little while (the past couple of weeks) I've been leaning toward Mason Allan Gerard. MAG is okay. But the more I think about the more I want to stay with Gage. Which means changing the middle name. So I'm working on convincing Chris that we should name little brother Gage Christopher Gerard (for Chris) or Gage Steven Gerard (Steven for Chris' dad). My top pick would actually be Gage James Gerard (for my doctor LOL!) , but Gage James Gerard doesn't sound right together, too many J sounds. So keep your fingers crossed that Chris ends up okay with a different middle name besides Allan!
Very thankful that we've made it past 25 weeks and we continue to pray for more time for little brother to grow inside before he joins us outside the womb- each day I lay here is a very precious gift- even if sometimes my attitude does not reflect that we feel that way.
I'm also grateful for all those who read my blog and keep us in their thoughts and prayers!
Yesterday there was a little "discharge" that had me concerned. My Doc was never too concerned but did an exam anyway and didn't find that there was anything "wrong" with what was going on. My cervix felt the same to him as the last time he checked, pretty much meaning closed. I was quite reassured by this. However the exam did cause me to have some cramping last night (it was gone completely when I woke up so I am pretty sure it was just from the exam) and I also had just a little streak of blood this morning- which got me a bit concerned again. However so far in the past 4 hours I've had absolutely nothing else going on to further concern me so hopefully things will just calm down/stay calm and go back to "normal."
Hunter stayed at grandma & grandpa's last night so Chris and I got to spend a little mommy/daddy time this morning snuggling and watching tv. We also sort of got to have lunch together, but when it came I was on the monitor and so he had to eat and go to get ready for work, so he was gone by the time I got to eat.
So on a fun note, I feel like talking about little brother's possible names... Earlier this year (well before I was pregnant) when Hunter and I were shopping I heard a mom talking to her son, a little boy named Gage. I immediately called Chris and told him I had the perfect name if we were ever blessed with another little boy and he loved it right away too. However as this pregnancy progressed I started hunting for a different name because we had sort of been set on the middle name Allan, as that is Chris' middle name (spelled Allen) and also his dad's middle name (spelled Alan). But our last name is Gerard and I'm not really happy with the fact that Gage Allan Gerard = GAG for initials. Kids can sometimes be cruel and I'd hate for him to be teased at any point in his life because his initials spelled gag. So after reading him nearly 500 names (maybe more!) including ones I wasn't totally liking- the only other name we both like is Mason. So for a little while (the past couple of weeks) I've been leaning toward Mason Allan Gerard. MAG is okay. But the more I think about the more I want to stay with Gage. Which means changing the middle name. So I'm working on convincing Chris that we should name little brother Gage Christopher Gerard (for Chris) or Gage Steven Gerard (Steven for Chris' dad). My top pick would actually be Gage James Gerard (for my doctor LOL!) , but Gage James Gerard doesn't sound right together, too many J sounds. So keep your fingers crossed that Chris ends up okay with a different middle name besides Allan!
Very thankful that we've made it past 25 weeks and we continue to pray for more time for little brother to grow inside before he joins us outside the womb- each day I lay here is a very precious gift- even if sometimes my attitude does not reflect that we feel that way.
I'm also grateful for all those who read my blog and keep us in their thoughts and prayers!
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