Gage's Birthday

Happy Birthday in Heaven to my little boy Gage.  I sure wish you were here and that we were celebrating your first birthday with cake and a little party today.  But I'm sure that a birthday party in Heaven is so much more special.  We miss you and your sister so very much and look forward to the day we see you again in Heaven.  I have to say, I believe that God's plan is perfect and good and that He makes good come from all things even when we can't see or understand it, but that sure doesn't help me miss you any less.  This afternoon we will send some birthday balloons up with Gramma.

We love you!

Morgan's 3rd Birthday

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted here.  I know there have been a couple half finished posts that I just gave up on, the words just never sound right.  **shrug** And I've become enamored with crafting and craft blogs so plenty of my online time is taken up with reading craft blogs (I even started one- not that I've posted much there either- I'm just not a good blogger I guess) and browsing Pinterest.  But in honor and memory of Morgan's birthday here I am.  Missing her, looking forward to the day I meet her again in Heaven.  We sure didn't get to do anything in memory of her today.  My grandma has luekemia and while she seemed to be doing well for the past few months, we found out on Monday it was back.  So Hunter & I spent the week up north with her and Chris met us up there on Friday.  So today was a day of saying goodbye and traveling.  So we didn't even get to do anything in her memory- though I think spending all the time I can with my Nana was the best course of action and I don't regret it- I'm still sad we didn't do anything special for her.  And to make matters worse I feel like she has been totally forgotten.  Only one person in our family called to say they were thinking of us today.  And I was with a lot of my family all day and still none of them acknowledged that today was her birthday.  :(  It hurts to think we are the only ones who remember her.  But at least we know she's safe in Jesus' arms.  Look forward to the day I join her there!

Believer's Baptism

Sunday I participated in my church's Believer's Baptism at the Lake event.  And yes I was baptized.  And yes I was baptized as an infant (and yes I have allowed Hunter and Gage both to be baptized as infants) but despite those things, once I learned about it- Believer's Baptism makes a whole lot more sense (to me) and (to me) seems to be  accurate compared to what the Bible says about baptism.  I grew up knowing who Jesus was and that he died on a cross for my sins.  But it was a purely intellectual thing.  I never got (whether I never was taught or whether I just didn't get it I really can't say) that it was about a relationship with Jesus....  I never got that it was more than just obligations- ie attending church, not ever sinning, giving money to the church, praying etc...I never got that it is having Jesus in your heart and wanting to do those things and so much more...  I made a lot of bad decisions in my life as a teenager/young adult- I was to a point in my life (by  my mid twenties) in which I felt completely unworthy.  I felt that based on the decisions I made and the way I lived my life God didn't want me in church... and surely didn't want me in Heaven and He sure didn't love me.  In fact He had to be quite angry with me and all my wrong choices. And church well church was surely a place of judgment for the sins I'd committed.  Where people would reject me because of the things I'd done or not done...  Then Chris and I started having major relationship problems (this was pre-marriage in our dating days) and a friend connected me very briefly with a pastor who said "To move closer to each other you've got to move closer to God."  I did nothing about this statement other than repeat it to Chris- we briefly talked about going to church together, but did nothing about it.  Several months later we broke up.  One day he mentioned going to church and when I asked him why he said he needed direction.  With those words ringing in my ears and the pastors words coming back to me I felt a tug at my heart and after so many days, months, years of driving past Fox River Christian Church I went.  I was awed (had never even fathomed church like that).  I kept going.  A friend at work, she helped and encouraged me as my faith, my real faith- not my "I can believe in God and not go to church kind of faith"- as it started to grow.  It was Easter season and the clips played in service of The Passion of the Christ movie stirred me to watch it myself.  I cried as I saw the depiction of what Jesus did for me.  If I had to pick a day that I really accepted Jesus (though I think it was sort of a gradual thing over those first weeks at FRCC) it would be Good Friday 2008.  I was an emotional wreck during that service, crying and really just opening my heart to a relationship with Jesus.  Life did not suddenly become as sweet as a big bowl of ice cream.  There have been good things and bad things and really hard things.  And I did not suddenly become sin free or bad decision making free either.  And I have had my days and weeks and probably months where I've not done much to grow in my relationship with Jesus but just "floated".  I could go on for hours about all the things I don't do perfectly.  But I love God and I've accepted Jesus and I after over 3 years of knowing a relationship, after 2 years of feeling called to do Believer's Baptism and putting it off (first because of bed rest, then a newborn, then a desire to do it at the annual lake event which I couldn't attend in 2010) I have taken what felt like a huge step to me (there is a video testimony involved that made my stomach knot with nerves) and I was baptized- to show that I am a follower of Jesus. 


(PS I sure wish I would've said those things half as well in my video testimony as I did right now)

(PPS I also sure wish I had pictures but we forgot the camera :( )

6 months

Last Tuesday marked Gage's 6 month birthday.  Tomorrow marks 6 months since he died.  Tonight is 6 months since the first time I got to hold him outside of his isolette....  They were changing out his isolette and giving him a new one (for cleanliness purposes) and it had been pushed off a couple days past when they usually do it (once a week and it was day 9 of life for him) in part to make sure he was doing well enough to be disturbed that much and in part to see if we could do it when Chris and I were both around to hold him during the switch.  It was Chris' first night back to work since Gage had been born, but he was okay with just me being there as he really wanted Gage to have a "clean" bed.  (they did change the bedding everyday- no worries there!).  I was so excited to hold him close(r) to me- granted I couldn't snuggle him up as much as I wanted to because of his respirator and all that but at least I got to give him a kiss too.  I remember the respiratory therapists' friendly bantering and just finally getting to hold him outside the isolette.  It made me long that much more for some skin to skin snuggling (aka kangaroo care) that I hoped to soon be able to have with him.  It was also my first night staying up at the hospital without Chris since Gage had been born.  I was up late and just spent a lot of time just sitting with Gage.  I'm so happy and grateful that we were able to board at the hospital for a week.  We only spent one night not under the same roof as him while he was living. It was such a great gift to be able to walk down the hall at whatever time of the day or night I wanted and just sit with him for a few minutes. 

What would a 6 month old (3 month adjusted age) be doing right now???  I can't even fathom what life would be like with him here.  And for the most part, I try not to.  I have moments when it's intense- like when I saw the mom from our playgroup who was due near me and has a 3.5 month old and a 19 month old on the 4th of July.  Two little boys riding in a double stroller.   And it was like my heart skipped a couple beats and even while I smiled and chatted for a moment in my mind there was this whisper of- that was almost us too.  But it's not and no amount of wishing will make it be, so it's easier to try not to think about what we thought would be. 

God has a plan and it's perfect- even when I don't think it is.  He brings beauty out of the sorrows and through all things He is always there.  It's often I need to be reminded of those things because some days it's hard not to feel left behind... most of my playgroup is expecting or has had a second baby this year... most of my church friends from our first ever small group are expecting this year as well.  But this time around (as compared to with Morgan) I find myself much less "sad for myself" about others pregnancies.  I'm so not perfect so I can't say that I don't get a little down at times that I'm no longer "part of the club" so to speak but after Morgan died I could hardly stand to be around anyone pregnant- including my sister in law.  And I do long to be pregnant again, to bring home another baby but of course that's not likely in the near future.  Nor is adopting.  And most the time I'm okay with that because the time will do us good.  After Morgan died I pushed and pushed and cried and begged and made plans to get pregnant as soon as possible.  It was one of my sole focuses.  But now even though I long and want another child I can still hold Hunter in my arms and enjoy our time with him instead of concentrating on another sub pregnancy.  Not that I'd complain if God's plan included another pregnancy (and if it happened right now it would really have to be in His plan!)- it's just not my sole focus.

Point of all the babbling tonight is... I miss Gage.  The last 6 months feel like a lifetime.  I look longingly forward to the day when I can see Gage and Morgan again in Heaven and hold them in my arms.  And the book I posted about in my last post- Heaven Is For Real- well it gives me even more hope and longing. 

Book to read...

...  Heaven is for Real....   I might be a little behind cuz I think it's been out for awhile, but my sweet friend who is on bed rest right now (and 31 weeks praise God!) gave it to me last week and I couldn't put it down.   Seriously if you haven't read it already read it.  Be prepared for some tears though.  

5 months gone & a prayer request

It's been 5 months since I held Gage in my arms and said goodbye.  I hate that the only time I got to really hold him close to me was while we were saying goodbye.   It still feels very dream-like.... as if he was only in my imagination.  I still can't figure that out.  It sure didn't feel dream like when Morgan died.  Boy I miss him.... them...

I'd like to request all you blog world friends to pray about something completely unrelated to Gage or Morgan...  My sister in law and brother in law are really struggling in their marriage these days.  To be honest- they've been struggling for awhile.  One positive thing is they've been attending a new church.  It's my hope that they both benefit from this new church and develop a strong relationship with Jesus which will in turn help them so much (well at least I think it will) in overcoming their relationship struggles.  In addition I'm praying (and hoping you all can add this request too) that our family would become more compassionate/supportive of them.  Right now there seems to be way more frustrations coming from everyone about it than compassion.  Some of the family is "tired" of having family gatherings "ruined" by the "drama" their tensions bring.  It's hard for me to see this/hear this. I know I'm so not perfect and that I get frustrated with some of the family drama too but it just hurts to see them going through this and then having to feel as though they "ruining" things.  I can only imagine that they are both hurting so much, for I know how I feel when Chris and I have pretty minor conflicts/fights and it just sucks... but to think of how I would feel if most of my days were that way... **sigh**   Thanks to anyone who can help pray for them. 

What's happening these days....

I've been a terrible blogger.  For the most part I've stopped even attempting to write any posts because I get halfway done and go "ugh this is not how it sounded in my head..."   So let's see if I can at least write an update post that I'll be satisfied with!

Our Hunter is almost 17.5 months old- how time flies.  He is into everything, running, becoming very independent and is just the love of our lives even though some days he just exhausts me.  Here is a recent picture of our little piranha monkey... (He's a biter- makes me crazy! And I've tried pretty much everything... but he's still doing it especially when in a confrontation, so if anyone has any thoughts on it- please feel free to comment and let me know!)

 

 

 

Hunter helping Grandma at her greenhouse.

 Today is 2.5 years since we met and said goodbye to Morgan.  Honestly I can't believe how long ago it was.  On the other hand it's not even been 5 months since Gage was born and spent his 10 days with us but it seems like so long ago.  How does that make any sense???  We are doing okay.  We miss them.  We walked the March for Babies again this year and between all our team members and a spaghetti dinner fundraiser we were able to raise over $6000.00 to go to the March of Dimes.  I'm so happy we could do so much in there memory.    Here are a couple family pictures from the day of the walk.

 April 1st was the 2 year anniversary of Morgan's due date and April 8th was Gage's due date so we just did one balloon release on Gage's due date.  We went to a beach on Lake Michigan and I even wrote their names in the sand.

Let's see, what else is going on....  I have a part time job now.  I had been occasionally looking online for something part time because even though we were making it work, it's been really tight for us- especially after emptying our savings (which wasn't very big to begin with) because of Chris being off for a couple of unpaid weeks and paying for Gage's service.  Then we started applying the principles from our Financial Peace Class and it really highlighted how tight it was.  So even though I would look and then cry because I didn't want to go back to work and leave Hunter, two days before my birthday I found an ad for a M-F job, 10-3 that came with a few benefits like vacation.  I sent in a resume and got contacted right away, interviewed the Monday after Easter and was offered the position on Tuesday.  And so far I love it! I'm a Marketing Clerk which basically means I do a lot of odds and ends stuff but I'm never bored and the people are great.  Hunter for the summer is home with Chris (he adjusted his work schedule) and in fall when Chris starts taking some college courses we will have to find childcare for about 10-15 hours a week and so far I think we have two - three possibilities from church. 


I was able to go to a women's retreat last weekend with my sister in law's church.  It was awesome.  It was my first women's retreat and it was amazing.  It was exciting to spend a whole day (plus a few hours- it was only one night) all about Jesus!  I can't wait for my church's retreat next year!

Well that is pretty much all the new stuff for us right now.  And I think I have a little boy who might be waking up from his nap so we can go grocery shopping....

Quick Prayer Request

So I totally have to find time to write a good long update post but for right now I just have time to ask for a quick prayer request for some good friends from church...  They are currently about 26.5 weeks pregnant and have been in the hospital since Thursday because she has been contracting.  At first they weren't changing her cervix but some strong ones last night now have her dilating a bit.  They have put her on a med to try to stop the contractions but while we were leaving from visiting her tonight she was having a few again- only 3 hours after her most recent dose of the medication.  They are at the same hospital where we delivered our babies.  I'm hoping that God's will might include at least a few more weeks for their little boy to grow bigger and that it's His will they never have to know the pain we (and many of you readers) have had to go through by saying good bye.  I want them to be the "happy ending" the "things were scary but it all worked out and here is our little miracle" story.  But of course in the end only He knows and I know that He works for the good- even in the bad times.  But still I pray He allows this little one to stay on earth with his parents and become Hunter's little friend and such.  But I'm also requesting prayers for strength and patience and comfort through whatever may come for them- especially (and hopefully!)  if it turns into a long bed rest (which they would welcome happily to keep baby growing as long as possible). 

Thank you blog world friends. 

Unfinished Posts

I can't seem to find the right words these days to write about anything.  In the past three months there are nearly a dozen posts that I've started and not finished.  But it feels worse over the past couple weeks.
 
I couldn't finish a post on how Hunter swallowing a penny got us stay at Children's Hospital, the hospital where Gage died and how the whole experience sent me into a huge emotional upheaval. (Hunter is doing fine, don't worry.)

I couldn't finish a post on how I'm feeling about April these days- specifically this first week of April.

I couldn't put into words how I felt on April 1st- the 2nd anniversary of Morgan's due date.

I can't really find the words tonight to write much about Gage's due date tomorrow... Sad... that about sums it up. 

Missing this little boy.  Sad he's not being born now.  Equally sad that since he was already born 3 months ago I'm not bringing him home from the NICU now. 

I believe wholeheartedly that he is safe in Heaven with Jesus (playing with his sister and many friends) and that Heaven is a much better place to be than here on earth.  But yet I still want him here in my arms. 

Meeting my 6 day old niece tonight...

I'm very excited to be going to meet my new niece tonight.  I'm so incredibly happy for my brother and his girlfriend.  Just from Facebook and phone communication I can tell my brother is so in love with his daughter (as is his girlfriend of course).  He's such a proud happy daddy. 

I want to enjoy my niece and focus on her and her parents and their joy.  But I know it will be impossible not to miss my babies as I cradle the sweet weight of my newborn niece in my arms.  In my mind and heart 8 months ago, I imagined our new babies growing up very close in age.  Of course that isn't to be.  The last thing I want to do is make this visit sad- though I already warned my brother, my tears would not mean I'm not happy so hopefully they will understand a few tears if they come. 

Sad today

I'm missing Gage a lot today.  I long to still be pregnant with him.  I long to be chatting animatedly with my pregnant friends instead of getting that "outsider" feeling as they talk of feeling nauseous and tired and uncomfortable.  I long to be happily and excitedly awaiting his arrival (this past Friday would've been 36 weeks).  To be washing the newborn clothes and getting excited instead of feeling sadness when I see pictures posted by one of my play group friends who just had her little boy a bit over a week ago.  She recently posted a picture of her (almost) 16 month old wearing the big brother shirt sitting next to the baby... with the caption: "I love my boys!"  I want that and the ache is really sharp today. 

Two months gone...

I would like to say it feels like just yesterday that Gage was born and did his NICU time before going home to Jesus but it doesn't feel like yesterday... or even two months ago.  It feels like it was a long time ago.   I miss him so much and it's still very rough on these anniversary days.  I'm just about a month from his estimated due date... I sure wish I was anticipating his arrival... But like I've said almost every post this grief is so different... so "accelerated" I guess.  Not that I don't have moments/days where I'm in "the pit" but I'm not there all the time.  I think it mostly has to do with the distraction (a wonderful one) of having Hunter around.  Can't really be in a grief pit too much with an active toddler. 

I've also been pretty busy outside of just being a stay at home mom... A Sunday night Financial Peace University class, a once a month study with our small group from last "semester" (our church offers small groups aka Journey classes and/or Journey groups on a schedule similar to college) and I've just joined a Friday morning Journey group (studying the book "The Frazzled Female").  In addition I recently (well over a month ago now) finally stopped procrastinating/just talking about serving at church and started doing- so now every other week I'm helping out in the nursery.  I've been attempting to plan a spaghetti dinner fundraiser for our March for Babies team... I though it was go but now there might be an issue with our location (and I already ordered tickets :( ) so if this location falls through I think we might not do it this year and start earlier in our planning next year.  What else is on my plate... figuring out the advertising for my mom's greenhouse and newly discovered love of paper crafting including scrap booking and card making.  Typing it all out makes me feel a little frazzled :). 

God is good though- especially to give me all these things to keep my spirits up- I'm sure our groups and just the connection with such loving people has helped me remain happy and positive even while I'm sad.  I don't know if that made a lot of sense but really that is how I feel most days.  The days that I'm not feeling that way I'm pretty downright crabby and hard for even Chris to be around... I have to work on that because it sure isn't right to inadvertantly take out my grief on him because it's his grief too. 

Well, I guess that's all I have to say tonight.  Now I'm going to put in a little time with my paper crafting before heading to bed.  :) 

Winter

I have never been a big fan of winter even though I've lived in Wisconsin all my life (and the northern part of it for most of my life).  But this year I think I'm definitely feeling the depressing effects of these winter months.  Especially as we get hit with another round of winter weather.  This time it's a bit wetter for us which leaves a big slushy icy mess out there.  **sigh** Wishing for spring in a big way right now... warm weather...the day the leaves just start opening on the trees...spring thunderstorms...green grass...trips to the zoo... and my favorite- flowers.... 

A Little Joy

So I started this new blog so I had a place where I felt more comfortable posting about everything in my life (that I wish to blog about that is!)... my previous blog as you might know was started when Morgan died and I was in the absolute pit of sadness....  hence a name like Empty Arms Broken Heart.  So late 2010 I decided my blogging needed a fresh start, a fresh place to talk about the happy and the sad.  Then of course we got right back to some new sad much too soon on this new blog.  But even in the middle of that sadness there is JOY.  And I thought I'd share some of it!

Our Getaway after Gage's Memorial Service

The day after Gage's memorial service Chris, Hunter and I headed out of town for a few days.  We had spent over a week without Hunter (who was staying with my Mom up north) and we just needed to get away from everything as well as spend some good quality time with him.  We went to Dubuque, Iowa.  Reasons for picking Dubuque-  1.the Mississippi River Museum and Aquarium 2. less than 3 hour drive 3. relatively inexpensive to stay there.  So the first few pictures are from that trip.

Snacking in the hotel room- first time we let him handle the spoon on his own. Hotel room= we don't have to clean up the mess... just kidding- we would've but he did pretty well, the mess was contained to his face.

Petting the... fish??  :)  Looks like it doesn't it? 

Two of my boys and an octopus...  

This might have been Hunter's favorite thing to do the whole trip...   crawl in and out of the hotel room's nightstand... 

And a few random pictures from month 13 of Hunter's life...

Mama just let me get outside already!

The great blizzard of 2011...  Daddy got a snow day from work and Hunter got a few face washes but loved every minute!

Overwhelmed

 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7


He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” 
Psalm 46:10

(all emphasis placed by me)

The above verses are on my heart today.  I've been feeling very overwhelmed with all the things/decisions/thoughts that I (we) have going on right now.  Bordering on anxious... and feeling impatient for answers.  I need these verses today and everyday (especially the parts I've bolded) to remind me to place it all in God's hands and to wait (patiently).  I've been praying everyday about the direction we are meant to go with some things now that Gage is gone. Things regarding me continuing to stay home or work, Chris or I starting/restarting college courses this fall, how/when to grow our family and several other things that have been heavy on my mind and heart... All these things feel so big and huge trying to figure them out and every time Chris and I try to talk about some of them all we do is argue.  Which makes it all the more overwhelming and frustrating.  But while I've been praying on them I don't think I've been giving them completely over to God.  Something I really need to work on. 

Why?

This question will never be fully answered here on earth and as one of my friends (who also has babies in heaven) said once- when we join our babies in heaven will the why even matter anymore?   But tonight I can't help but wonder why.  I've been missing Gage so much.  As evidenced by my posting the other night, I'm drawn to reading the comments/looking at the belly pics of my pregnant friends and it just makes me long so much for Gage... for Morgan... and for being pregnant.  Our plan doesn't involve anymore pregnancies.  Oh how I wish it did... wish it could... (obviously God's plan might be different but unless that becomes evident down the road this is the decision we've made...)

Tonight as I sat down to turn off the computer (which usually doesn't happen without looking at something(s)- email, Facebook, MISS, blog world etc) I took a few minutes to just look at my pictures of Gage.  And I wished for more pictures.  When Morgan died, we didn't get a lot of pictures especially not with us.  Even knowing the things I wished for when Morgan died (like more pictures of us with her, pictures of me pregnant etc) I still don't feel like I took enough.  I so often didn't have my camera with me when I went to the NICU.  I wish I would've taken pictures of us holding Gage in our hands when they changed his bedding or weighed him or changed diapers.  I wish I would've had pictures of him with our wedding rings.  I have a couple I tried to take with Chris' ring because I never had mine on.  I had taken it off when I went to the hospital knowing it was getting close to the point where I wouldn't be able to get it off and I never remembered to have it brought back up to the hospital when Gage was born.  I wish I had pictures of him in his one micro preemie outfit I bought him.  It arrived the day Gage died and my sister was going to bring it when she came to say goodbye but in the rush to get up there she forgot it.  It was so much cuter than the outfit the nurse took pictures of him in after we left the hospital.  And after looking at pictures of Gage I read through all my CaringBridge posts, lived those days over again. 

I'm not mad at God.  I know if I was He could handle that but I'm really not.  I'm just sad.  And I'm having a hard time dealing with this grief.  With Morgan I was outwardly mourning daily for a long time.  I cried all the time, I felt uncomfortable around everyone and rarely wanted to be around groups of people especially without Chris.  I could hardly look anyone in the face because I didn't want to show them the pain.  I hated being asked how are you and couldn't say good and had a hard time saying even okay.  I wasn't okay. 

I've learned though that I can be good/okay and still be sad.  But I don't know if everyone understands that.  I don't know if anyone really knows how sad I am.  I wonder if they think that I'm "over" it.  Especially the family and friends that knew what a wreck I was after Morgan died.  I'm so not over it (not that you ever get over it, I'm not "over" Morgan either).  I'm just as sad as when Morgan died.  I'm just dealing with it so much differently this time.  Part of that is being forced to deal with it differently- I have a wonderful toddler who I have to think of this time, who I have to take care of instead of staying in my pajamas and bathrobe on the couch for three days straight.  My faith and relationship with God is also deeper/closer.  Chris' is as well so together we've been stronger.  But it still hurts the same and sometimes I just don't know where to go with all the hurt.  I don't know how to let it out this time.  Sometimes like right now, I'm so sad and I just can't cry.  I just silently ache instead. And write rambling blog posts- the only voice I'm giving to this grief these days other than saying out loud to Chris that I'm sad.

I have to just place it all in His hands.  I wish that was enough to make it not hurt anymore.  I guess it just has to be enough that no matter how much it hurts, He's holding me. 


My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

Blissful Innocence

As previously mentioned I have a number of Facebook friends who are pregnant- and some of these have other Facebook friends who comment on their statuses (and weekly belly pics) who are also pregnant... Most of these ladies are blocked from my news feed but in true lack of self control (and wanting to make sure they are still doing okay) I now and then have to take a peek at what's going on.  So much pregnancy innocence...  (most of the time not in a bad way) and tonight's peek just made me long for that.  My last two pregnancies I spent the first trimester and good portions of the second trimester (with Hunter I did not "open up" about the pregnancy until I was on bed rest at 25 weeks) trying to avoid the subject of me being pregnant.  I distinctly remember when I was pregnant with Hunter having to go to a work meeting at our corporate office where nearly no one knew I was pregnant and doing my best to hide my 23 or 24 week pregnant belly.  Not being thin to begin with it was not easy but I managed to make it out of there without having to tell anyone or being asked any questions.  With Gage I think I relaxed a little and talked a bit more a little earlier since I had had one "successful" pregnancy.  My blissful innocence (only marred by my normal "worrying" tendencies rather than fully knowing what could happen) lasted a mere 21 weeks (less if you consider that I didn't find out until I was 5 weeks along and even then ended up with a few worrisome weeks of bleeding early on).  So let's say 14... I had 14 weeks of complaining about my all day sickness, wishing time would move faster so I could meet my baby, being "proud" of the size of my belly, worrying about weight gain, thinking that I would for sure be leaving the hospital with a baby, of not being afraid to tell anyone at all I was pregnant for fear of having to tell them the baby died... and the list goes on.

**sigh** Blissful innocence how I miss you.

Gage's 1 Month Birthday (and 3 weeks since he left us)

It's been a sad day.  I started off Gage's birthday with a trip to the hospital (to return the breast pump).  I managed not to bawl my eyes out but it was close.  As soon as I walked in the hospital I was tearing up and I had a hard time making myself get off the elevator on the third floor.  The steps into the birthing center to return the breast pump were really tough and I think if I would've seen one of our nurse or doctor friends I would have lost it.  But while there were familiar faces around, were none familiar enough to give me that push over the edge into bawling.  I did get to chat with "our social worker" for awhile and she made the walk down to the NICU with me to try to say hi to one of the NICU nurses who ended up not being available.  So I (sort of) visited Gage's "home" on his birthday which was sad, hard and nice all at once.

I also made some (sort of) decisions about my Usborne Books & More business I had started doing in October of last year.  My heart is not totally in it anymore (or maybe it's just not right now?) but I have two months left before I would have to start paying for my website and my ordering program.  Neither cost is huge but if I'm not going to do it it's not worth paying for.  Therefore even though I'm so not ready to go "back to work" in a sense- I'm going to make myself at least try to get some shows booked in February/March and see if I still want to continue it. 

So while I was thinking of the business  I decided since I have two months of the website still available that why not use it/ my Usborne Books business to help raise money in memory of my babies??  So I'm putting my profits from any sales made through a two month long eShow towards the March for Babies and entering all those who make a purchase into a drawing for a free book. I got pretty excited when I thought of that.  I don't know if I'll make much off the idea but our team goal is $2000 ($1000 in memory of each baby) and I'd love to raise more too- so any little bit I can put toward it will help. We've done a pretty good job of meeting/exceeding our goal for the March for Babies the past two years (due much to our family and friends who walk/raise money with us).  Now that we have another baby to remember/honor/miss (and one who allowed us time to know a little of what it's like to travel the NICU road too) we really want to do as much as we can to support the March of Dimes so maybe some other parents can benefit from the education provided/research done. 

So if anyone knows someone interested in buying some (awesome in my opinion) children's books the link is:  www.ubah.com/HOS192623. Again all purchasers through this link will get entered into a raffle for a free book (which I can ship within the United States) and my profits will go towards our March for Babies team goal.


So while today was pretty sad, I feel better having "done" something in Gage's (and Morgan's) memory.   I think my 2 month birthday goal is going to be to bring some baked goods up to the NICU and OB nurses/staff in appreciation for everything they did for us.

Uggh

One of the hardest parts of having a baby early/having a baby die has got to be how it seems like everyone is pregnant.  **sigh**  Not that I'm not happy for them but they are everywhere!!!!  2 ladies from Hunter's playgroup, my brother's girlfriend and at least 4 other "facebook friends".  Not to mention the random people like when you go to the store and the person checking you out ends up being pregnant?!?  Again- totally totally happy for everyone, but I'm really missing being pregnant.  For one I "should" still be pregnant and for two it's seems pretty darn certain that I will not be pregnant again unless there is some major other plan on God's part.  I think I'm mourning that nearly as much as I'm mourning the death of Gage. 

Chris and I had agreed before Gage was born that it was likely our last pregnancy... and as much as it hurts to still go with that decision, I think it's the right one.  I struggle with some guilt about the fact that so many women are out there trying to get pregnant and yet we are going to take measures to not get pregnant again.  I really wish I could "gift" my getting pregnant ability to someone who needs it.  Cuz that certainly has never been my problem- I just can't seem to stay pregnant long enough to have more of my babies live than die.   

So it's the adoption track from here on out.  It'll be awhile- hopefully not super long- I want Hunter to have a sibling who isn't too much younger than him.  But we have some things to take care of first so it's looking like we won't even be starting the process for a yearish.  **sigh** And honestly we need that time to grieve.  I think we'll need more- or at least I will.  With Morgan I was able to "wallow" in the grief whenever I needed to which I think helped bring...peace? acceptence? I'm not sure what word I'm looking for, because it's not that I've ever stopped missing her and being sad she isn't here with us but it's grown less intense, the ache the grief the sadness is just a part of everyday, but not in a big huge way- it's just there and a part of me a missing part of our family. But now with Hunter around I sometimes have to try to put my grief on hold and of course it's not (always) an on demand thing like, oh now that Hunter is napping I will sit down and cry for an hour.  It just doesn't work like that.  So it seems like it sort of "builds" and then I have days like yesterday where everything made me cry.  We'll see how tomorrow goes... Gage's 1 month Birthday.  **sigh**  Wish I was celebrating it in the NICU... wish I was able to think to myself, "maybe this means we are 1/3 through the NICU time."  I wish wish wish... Uggh...

Starting to "sink in"

I think the shock and numbness is really starting to wear off.  Not that I haven't grieved or missed Gage before this, but the tears are really starting to come more frequently now.  Which is really hard with an active little boy.  Not that I'd trade him for being able to sit and mope...

Yesterday I had to take Hunter to the doctor.  His pediatrician's office is in the same building as my OB office.  The last time I had been there (6 weeks ago yesterday as a matter of fact) I saw Gage via ultrasound.  It was also the day I was put on hospital bed rest.  6 weeks... such a short but yet long span of time.  6 weeks ago he was still "where he was supposed to be" growing and developing inside of me.  6 weeks ago we still had hope of a long life with him here on earth.  From the moment I knew I had to take Hunter in (by myself too as Chris was working) I was down about it.  And on the drive there I couldn't stop crying.  We live about 1.5 miles from the hospital Gage was at.  We could actually see almost to our house from the window Gage was by in the NICU.  So as I'm driving up that road I can also see the exact window he was by.  Stupid silly little things right?  Enough to start the tears though. 

I wish my mind didn't hop to all the anniversary days/dates so quickly.  Every Tuesday, every Friday and in two days we'll be coming up on our first monthly anniversary- 1 month since Gage was born.  Crazy to think if things had been different I would've been 30 weeks pregnant on Friday...or Gage would've been 1 month old.

Oh and that is likely the day I will have to go take my rental pump back to the hospital.  Again by myself since Hunter possibly has pinkeye and had a fever tonight so is likely coming down with something meaning we shouldn't be taking him out and about.  I know I could probably ask someone else to take it up there for me but part of me wants to go up there- just wish Chris could come with me.  I would feel much more comfortable walking down to the NICU to say hi if he was with me.  Without him I'll probably skip it unless I can meet up with our social worker.  (We call her "our" social worker- she she social worker who does the RTS bereavement program as well as the NICU stuff- and I'd like to think we've become friends with her over the years since Morgan was born).



Speaking of pumps- I weaned pretty quickly- which wasn't hard as I had not built up a good supply yet but now I'm totally regretting weaning.  I could've continued to pump and donate my milk (making arrangements to donate what I had already pumped at the hospital) which would've probably helped this baby weight come off.  It's so super frustrating/sad to be carrying around the extra weight knowing how hard it is going to be to get it off without nursing.  When I had Morgan I had only gained 10ish pounds then I gained another 10 in the 6 weeks I was off of work because we ate out a lot and I did a lot of baking and just hanging out on the couch.  I never did get any of it off before I got pregnant with Hunter- but after I had Hunter because I was nursing him I lost all of the weight I gained with him PLUS 10lbs before I became pregnant with Gage.  All without really trying.  I had no regular exercise plan and followed no special diet to lose the weight.  I'm very frustrated knowing how hard it's going to be to get rid of 20lbs from this pregnancy.  It's a really sad reminder that I had a baby but that baby isn't here

**sigh** I guess that's enough crying to my blog readers tonight.  Time for half an episode of One Tree Hill and a glass of chocolate wine before Chris gets home.