Gage's Birthday

Happy Birthday in Heaven to my little boy Gage.  I sure wish you were here and that we were celebrating your first birthday with cake and a little party today.  But I'm sure that a birthday party in Heaven is so much more special.  We miss you and your sister so very much and look forward to the day we see you again in Heaven.  I have to say, I believe that God's plan is perfect and good and that He makes good come from all things even when we can't see or understand it, but that sure doesn't help me miss you any less.  This afternoon we will send some birthday balloons up with Gramma.

We love you!

Morgan's 3rd Birthday

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted here.  I know there have been a couple half finished posts that I just gave up on, the words just never sound right.  **shrug** And I've become enamored with crafting and craft blogs so plenty of my online time is taken up with reading craft blogs (I even started one- not that I've posted much there either- I'm just not a good blogger I guess) and browsing Pinterest.  But in honor and memory of Morgan's birthday here I am.  Missing her, looking forward to the day I meet her again in Heaven.  We sure didn't get to do anything in memory of her today.  My grandma has luekemia and while she seemed to be doing well for the past few months, we found out on Monday it was back.  So Hunter & I spent the week up north with her and Chris met us up there on Friday.  So today was a day of saying goodbye and traveling.  So we didn't even get to do anything in her memory- though I think spending all the time I can with my Nana was the best course of action and I don't regret it- I'm still sad we didn't do anything special for her.  And to make matters worse I feel like she has been totally forgotten.  Only one person in our family called to say they were thinking of us today.  And I was with a lot of my family all day and still none of them acknowledged that today was her birthday.  :(  It hurts to think we are the only ones who remember her.  But at least we know she's safe in Jesus' arms.  Look forward to the day I join her there!

Believer's Baptism

Sunday I participated in my church's Believer's Baptism at the Lake event.  And yes I was baptized.  And yes I was baptized as an infant (and yes I have allowed Hunter and Gage both to be baptized as infants) but despite those things, once I learned about it- Believer's Baptism makes a whole lot more sense (to me) and (to me) seems to be  accurate compared to what the Bible says about baptism.  I grew up knowing who Jesus was and that he died on a cross for my sins.  But it was a purely intellectual thing.  I never got (whether I never was taught or whether I just didn't get it I really can't say) that it was about a relationship with Jesus....  I never got that it was more than just obligations- ie attending church, not ever sinning, giving money to the church, praying etc...I never got that it is having Jesus in your heart and wanting to do those things and so much more...  I made a lot of bad decisions in my life as a teenager/young adult- I was to a point in my life (by  my mid twenties) in which I felt completely unworthy.  I felt that based on the decisions I made and the way I lived my life God didn't want me in church... and surely didn't want me in Heaven and He sure didn't love me.  In fact He had to be quite angry with me and all my wrong choices. And church well church was surely a place of judgment for the sins I'd committed.  Where people would reject me because of the things I'd done or not done...  Then Chris and I started having major relationship problems (this was pre-marriage in our dating days) and a friend connected me very briefly with a pastor who said "To move closer to each other you've got to move closer to God."  I did nothing about this statement other than repeat it to Chris- we briefly talked about going to church together, but did nothing about it.  Several months later we broke up.  One day he mentioned going to church and when I asked him why he said he needed direction.  With those words ringing in my ears and the pastors words coming back to me I felt a tug at my heart and after so many days, months, years of driving past Fox River Christian Church I went.  I was awed (had never even fathomed church like that).  I kept going.  A friend at work, she helped and encouraged me as my faith, my real faith- not my "I can believe in God and not go to church kind of faith"- as it started to grow.  It was Easter season and the clips played in service of The Passion of the Christ movie stirred me to watch it myself.  I cried as I saw the depiction of what Jesus did for me.  If I had to pick a day that I really accepted Jesus (though I think it was sort of a gradual thing over those first weeks at FRCC) it would be Good Friday 2008.  I was an emotional wreck during that service, crying and really just opening my heart to a relationship with Jesus.  Life did not suddenly become as sweet as a big bowl of ice cream.  There have been good things and bad things and really hard things.  And I did not suddenly become sin free or bad decision making free either.  And I have had my days and weeks and probably months where I've not done much to grow in my relationship with Jesus but just "floated".  I could go on for hours about all the things I don't do perfectly.  But I love God and I've accepted Jesus and I after over 3 years of knowing a relationship, after 2 years of feeling called to do Believer's Baptism and putting it off (first because of bed rest, then a newborn, then a desire to do it at the annual lake event which I couldn't attend in 2010) I have taken what felt like a huge step to me (there is a video testimony involved that made my stomach knot with nerves) and I was baptized- to show that I am a follower of Jesus. 


(PS I sure wish I would've said those things half as well in my video testimony as I did right now)

(PPS I also sure wish I had pictures but we forgot the camera :( )

6 months

Last Tuesday marked Gage's 6 month birthday.  Tomorrow marks 6 months since he died.  Tonight is 6 months since the first time I got to hold him outside of his isolette....  They were changing out his isolette and giving him a new one (for cleanliness purposes) and it had been pushed off a couple days past when they usually do it (once a week and it was day 9 of life for him) in part to make sure he was doing well enough to be disturbed that much and in part to see if we could do it when Chris and I were both around to hold him during the switch.  It was Chris' first night back to work since Gage had been born, but he was okay with just me being there as he really wanted Gage to have a "clean" bed.  (they did change the bedding everyday- no worries there!).  I was so excited to hold him close(r) to me- granted I couldn't snuggle him up as much as I wanted to because of his respirator and all that but at least I got to give him a kiss too.  I remember the respiratory therapists' friendly bantering and just finally getting to hold him outside the isolette.  It made me long that much more for some skin to skin snuggling (aka kangaroo care) that I hoped to soon be able to have with him.  It was also my first night staying up at the hospital without Chris since Gage had been born.  I was up late and just spent a lot of time just sitting with Gage.  I'm so happy and grateful that we were able to board at the hospital for a week.  We only spent one night not under the same roof as him while he was living. It was such a great gift to be able to walk down the hall at whatever time of the day or night I wanted and just sit with him for a few minutes. 

What would a 6 month old (3 month adjusted age) be doing right now???  I can't even fathom what life would be like with him here.  And for the most part, I try not to.  I have moments when it's intense- like when I saw the mom from our playgroup who was due near me and has a 3.5 month old and a 19 month old on the 4th of July.  Two little boys riding in a double stroller.   And it was like my heart skipped a couple beats and even while I smiled and chatted for a moment in my mind there was this whisper of- that was almost us too.  But it's not and no amount of wishing will make it be, so it's easier to try not to think about what we thought would be. 

God has a plan and it's perfect- even when I don't think it is.  He brings beauty out of the sorrows and through all things He is always there.  It's often I need to be reminded of those things because some days it's hard not to feel left behind... most of my playgroup is expecting or has had a second baby this year... most of my church friends from our first ever small group are expecting this year as well.  But this time around (as compared to with Morgan) I find myself much less "sad for myself" about others pregnancies.  I'm so not perfect so I can't say that I don't get a little down at times that I'm no longer "part of the club" so to speak but after Morgan died I could hardly stand to be around anyone pregnant- including my sister in law.  And I do long to be pregnant again, to bring home another baby but of course that's not likely in the near future.  Nor is adopting.  And most the time I'm okay with that because the time will do us good.  After Morgan died I pushed and pushed and cried and begged and made plans to get pregnant as soon as possible.  It was one of my sole focuses.  But now even though I long and want another child I can still hold Hunter in my arms and enjoy our time with him instead of concentrating on another sub pregnancy.  Not that I'd complain if God's plan included another pregnancy (and if it happened right now it would really have to be in His plan!)- it's just not my sole focus.

Point of all the babbling tonight is... I miss Gage.  The last 6 months feel like a lifetime.  I look longingly forward to the day when I can see Gage and Morgan again in Heaven and hold them in my arms.  And the book I posted about in my last post- Heaven Is For Real- well it gives me even more hope and longing. 

Book to read...

...  Heaven is for Real....   I might be a little behind cuz I think it's been out for awhile, but my sweet friend who is on bed rest right now (and 31 weeks praise God!) gave it to me last week and I couldn't put it down.   Seriously if you haven't read it already read it.  Be prepared for some tears though.  

5 months gone & a prayer request

It's been 5 months since I held Gage in my arms and said goodbye.  I hate that the only time I got to really hold him close to me was while we were saying goodbye.   It still feels very dream-like.... as if he was only in my imagination.  I still can't figure that out.  It sure didn't feel dream like when Morgan died.  Boy I miss him.... them...

I'd like to request all you blog world friends to pray about something completely unrelated to Gage or Morgan...  My sister in law and brother in law are really struggling in their marriage these days.  To be honest- they've been struggling for awhile.  One positive thing is they've been attending a new church.  It's my hope that they both benefit from this new church and develop a strong relationship with Jesus which will in turn help them so much (well at least I think it will) in overcoming their relationship struggles.  In addition I'm praying (and hoping you all can add this request too) that our family would become more compassionate/supportive of them.  Right now there seems to be way more frustrations coming from everyone about it than compassion.  Some of the family is "tired" of having family gatherings "ruined" by the "drama" their tensions bring.  It's hard for me to see this/hear this. I know I'm so not perfect and that I get frustrated with some of the family drama too but it just hurts to see them going through this and then having to feel as though they "ruining" things.  I can only imagine that they are both hurting so much, for I know how I feel when Chris and I have pretty minor conflicts/fights and it just sucks... but to think of how I would feel if most of my days were that way... **sigh**   Thanks to anyone who can help pray for them. 

What's happening these days....

I've been a terrible blogger.  For the most part I've stopped even attempting to write any posts because I get halfway done and go "ugh this is not how it sounded in my head..."   So let's see if I can at least write an update post that I'll be satisfied with!

Our Hunter is almost 17.5 months old- how time flies.  He is into everything, running, becoming very independent and is just the love of our lives even though some days he just exhausts me.  Here is a recent picture of our little piranha monkey... (He's a biter- makes me crazy! And I've tried pretty much everything... but he's still doing it especially when in a confrontation, so if anyone has any thoughts on it- please feel free to comment and let me know!)

 

 

 

Hunter helping Grandma at her greenhouse.

 Today is 2.5 years since we met and said goodbye to Morgan.  Honestly I can't believe how long ago it was.  On the other hand it's not even been 5 months since Gage was born and spent his 10 days with us but it seems like so long ago.  How does that make any sense???  We are doing okay.  We miss them.  We walked the March for Babies again this year and between all our team members and a spaghetti dinner fundraiser we were able to raise over $6000.00 to go to the March of Dimes.  I'm so happy we could do so much in there memory.    Here are a couple family pictures from the day of the walk.

 April 1st was the 2 year anniversary of Morgan's due date and April 8th was Gage's due date so we just did one balloon release on Gage's due date.  We went to a beach on Lake Michigan and I even wrote their names in the sand.

Let's see, what else is going on....  I have a part time job now.  I had been occasionally looking online for something part time because even though we were making it work, it's been really tight for us- especially after emptying our savings (which wasn't very big to begin with) because of Chris being off for a couple of unpaid weeks and paying for Gage's service.  Then we started applying the principles from our Financial Peace Class and it really highlighted how tight it was.  So even though I would look and then cry because I didn't want to go back to work and leave Hunter, two days before my birthday I found an ad for a M-F job, 10-3 that came with a few benefits like vacation.  I sent in a resume and got contacted right away, interviewed the Monday after Easter and was offered the position on Tuesday.  And so far I love it! I'm a Marketing Clerk which basically means I do a lot of odds and ends stuff but I'm never bored and the people are great.  Hunter for the summer is home with Chris (he adjusted his work schedule) and in fall when Chris starts taking some college courses we will have to find childcare for about 10-15 hours a week and so far I think we have two - three possibilities from church. 


I was able to go to a women's retreat last weekend with my sister in law's church.  It was awesome.  It was my first women's retreat and it was amazing.  It was exciting to spend a whole day (plus a few hours- it was only one night) all about Jesus!  I can't wait for my church's retreat next year!

Well that is pretty much all the new stuff for us right now.  And I think I have a little boy who might be waking up from his nap so we can go grocery shopping....